Bilateral Bliss

November 23rd, 2008

A while back, two commercial crabbers working on the Chesapeake Bay caught a crab that is half male and half female. Actually, it’s right side is female, and it’s left side is male. This extremely rare crab is called a bilateral gynandromorph. Whatever.

They tried a little experiment while they still had it on the boat. They put a female crab in with it. First it tried to mate with her, then seemed to lose interest. That was obviously the male half, probably thinking more about a pizza and a six-pack than romance. The next day it ate half of her. That’s what female crabs do to female rivals. No comment.

According to a crab scientist, it can probably mate with itself. That raises all kinds of interesting ideas. Interesting to me, anyway.

Think a minute. It never has to worry about finding a date when it wants to go out. It never has a convenient headache when it wants to get romantic. It loves shopping at Wal-Mart, where they have power tools and sporting goods under the same roof as cosmetics and lingerie. It can have an affair with an abalone without worrying about paying alimony.

I’m sure there must be disadvantages, though. Probably just takes compromise. Sheer panties one day, whitey-tighties the next. Old Spice on one cheek, Chanel on the other. That sort of thing. Might take a little relationship counseling, I guess.

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