Lunatics, Once Objects of Derision, Now Govern

April 13th, 2010

By Dan Miller

Our souls soles are now free to soar, but we must love and understand all critters great and small.

Many years ago, in a less enlightened age, some people entertained themselves by visiting lunatic asylums in Washington, D.C. and making fun of the inmates. It was a cruel and inhumane exercise. Things have changed dramatically for the better as we have evolved and lunatics are no longer confined. As a modest form of reparation, they govern us — not from padded cells but from well appointed offices where they are accorded the great respect which, as the previously oppressed, is their due. Turn about, as even small children know, is fair play.

This article should greatly encourage all who recognize that even lunatics now need love and understanding:

Scotland Yard has bowed to Islamic sensitivities and accepted that Muslims are entitled to throw shoes in ritual protest — which could have the unintended consequence of politicians or the police being hit. …

The concession has already been taken up enthusiastically by Muslim demonstrators, who pelted Downing Street with shoes in protest at the Israeli bombing of Gaza last year.

Dozens of ski-boots and clogs were also hurled at the US consulate in Edinburgh in a related protest, in which three policemen sustained minor injuries.

Shoes, and soles in particular, are considered unclean. Although the point has not been clarified by the authorities, it is likely that pork chops may now be hurled peacefully in response.

Unintended consequences? Indisputably. In any civilized nation, there must be a presumption that people who hurl shoes and other projectiles in the direction of other people make heroic efforts to avoid hitting them, just as suicide bombers merely wish to express their political views and don’t intend to harm others. Unintended adverse consequences certainly are not properly to be anticipated. That is true in many other contexts. For example, I myself from time to time stick my fingers deep into an operating food processor to unclog a mess and routinely experience the unintended consequences of having them mutilated. Boy, have I been surprised, as I well should be; every time I do it, I experience the same surprise at the consequences, which I certainly do not intend. To expect unintended bad things to happen whenever one tries to prepare a meal would be paranoid, and there is no rational basis for assuming irrational behavior of any type from an otherwise tame food processor.

Confederate soldiers during the U.S. Civil War (known to reprobates as the War of Northern Aggression), such as General Robert E. Lee, were clearly terrorists, just as it is clearly true that Islamic terrorism and Jihad don’t exist. In this glorious age of enlightenment, all things must be considered within their proper and socially acceptable frames of reference. Otherwise, some really nice folks may be offended. Unfortunately, some seem not to have understood the memo and continue to view al-Qaeda as an enemy! Even President Obama, probably in an eminently forgettable Biden Moment, recently expressed fears that “nuclear terrorism poses a graver danger than the risk of war between nuclear nations.” He specifically referenced al-Qaeda in this context, as did his Secretary of State, Ms. Clinton. On the other hand, perhaps the leaders of al-Qaeda and other so-called terrorist/extremist groups have secretly converted to Methodism, in which case it is right and proper to refer to them as terrorists. If true, that would go far to explain current U.S. policy in the national security arena. In any event, feeble attempts such as this to revise history may slow but will not stop progress.

A few of the less perceptive ape-descended carbon based life forms here on Gaia may unfortunately disagree. However, I am confident that we can all cherish and adopt these great new principles befitting our post-modern age if only we reach an appropriate state of post-modern enlightenment.

When the new age of enlightenment dawns, and dawn in all glory it will, I fervently hope to see not only adherents of the Religion of Peace but all others evolve to new and higher plains from which we will all be permitted to hurl projectiles at each other in the peaceful exercise of free speech. All, and not just the favored few, must be given maximum latitude in acting out their heart-felt beliefs and animosities.

And this brings me to the real thrust of today’s homily. There are many Neanderthals who want the United States and other imperialist international powers to force Iran to abandon the development of peaceful nuclear weapons with which to make a clear statement of her opinion of Israel, a highly reactionary and illegitimate state. Demonstrating the correctness of Iran’s view, Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu recently demonized these peaceful efforts as an attempt to create “weapons of mass destruction!” He also manifested his continuing paranoia by again referencing the holocaust, a non-event. His drooling hatred was not hidden:

“The historical failure of the free world in facing the Nazi beast was in not confronting it when it could still be stopped,” Netanyahu said, “today we witness the fire of the old-new hate, the hate of the Jews being spread by the regimes and organizations of radical Islam, spearheaded by Iran and its cohorts.”

These fading and senile Neanderthals, and indeed the failed and failing nations they dominate, refuse to recognize that Iran has legitimate grievances against the rest of the world. She has suffered bravely through years of wicked oppression, and it is only right for her now to be allowed all of the freedom of expression she wishes.

Some are strangely prejudiced against the legitimate government of Iran and want her to just shut up. They are misguided and have been misled by the wicked imperialist efforts of the United States and her captive fascist media to foment rebellion so that imperialist countries can steal her patrimony. Iran rightly echoes the persuasive argument, “No Oil for Blood!” Despite the most oppressive efforts of the rulers of the world and their lackeys, the book is closing on the oppression of the Religion of Peace. It is high time for their soles to soar!

(This article was also posted at Dan Miller’s Blog.)

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Categories: Humor, News, Politics | Comments (4) | Home

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4 Responses to “Lunatics, Once Objects of Derision, Now Govern”

  1. Brianna |

    You went through Yale and law school and managed to stay conservative (or maybe it’s libertarian)? I am impressed. Usually guest posters around here are varying shades of Lefty (no offense Jane).

    P.S. Wrong “plane”

    “When the new age of enlightenment dawns, and dawn in all glory it will, I fervently hope to see not only adherents of the Religion of Peace but all others evolve to new and higher plains from which we will all be permitted to hurl projectiles at each other in the peaceful exercise of free speech.”

  2. Tom |

    Well, “planes” in some senses, “plains” in others. Such as, in being on a higher plain (or plateau) from which you can hurl projectiles onto the lower terrain below. Or, maybe on plains separated by a terrain feature (maybe a valley) across which hurling can take place.

    I love the imagery of the former lunatic asylum inmates now being in charge of the rest of us. When you listen to politicians talking and see what they’re doing, it fits like a glove!

    “No Oil for Blood” and Iran’s “peaceful nuclear weapons” and, maybe best of all, al-Qaeda Methodists — priceless.

  3. Dan Miller |

    Thanks, folks, for the kind words and particularly to Tom for publishing this here.

    I haven’t written much satire, and generally find it difficult when I try. This piece seemed to flow and I enjoyed writing it.

    Dan Miller

  4. larry |

    You’ve “Nailed” it as the saying goes.
    I have fought this invasion of lunatics to the point of making myself sick. It appears that many others feel the same. Don’t be too surprised if the backlash is quite severe.

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