Let’s All Make the United States a Better Place

July 3rd, 2010

By Dan Miller

As the two hundred and thirty-fourth anniversary of the signing of the faux Declaration of Dependence approaches, it behooves us all to reflect upon the nation’s shameful history and ways to make the United States a better and more progressive place of which we can all finally be proud.

On July 1st, Speaker Pelosi proclaimed that more unemployment benefits are the best way to stimulate the U.S. economy. Unfortunately, it won’t happen yet but there remains a chance. Someday. All of the money comes from the government, which has an endless supply and besides it may not be worth much soon. The economy is already improving dramatically, with 125,000 jobs lost in June happily compensated for by more people leaving the labor force.

This too shall pass, and even more needs to be done and Speaker Pelosi is on the right track. There is no truth to the rumor that when she announced her perceptive views she was paraphrasing an abstract of her Humpty Dumpty University Ph.D. thesis in the study of creative economics. However, there are some additional steps which must be taken immediately and which will also promote not only the U.S. economy but result in the dream, never before realized, of peace in our time.

First, it must be recognized that the public sector is far more important to the country than is the private sector; there is ample evidence of this. Wages and benefits available to public sector employees, at least those at the federal level, are far better than those available to capitalist wage slaves, and the same is true of job security. There is ample reason for this: the public sector is widely and correctly recognized as the more important. Accordingly, the public sector must be expanded and all possible steps must be taken to ensure that the private sector contracts as quickly as possible. The Obama Administration is doing its best, as even the pigeons know. Nevertheless, we all need to help by providing useful suggestions which can be implemented right now; there is a crisis. The few modest proposals offered here will produce immediate improvements in the U.S. economy, promote world peace, and solve the immigration problem.

Mexico must be invaded using all available large aircraft to drop tons of one, ten and twenty dollar bills as widely as possible over an area extending from ten miles south of the Mexico – U.S. border to as far south as possible on a daily basis, indefinitely. An integral part of a comprehensive solution, this will be far less expensive and offensive than construction of a massive and offensive fence along the border, which has already been declared unworkable by President Obama. While possibly injurious to President Obama’s mandate, it will be the most effective means of limiting immigration without discriminating against anyone and will free up border patrols for other duties; if they have no usable skills, they can be provided unlimited unemployment benefits thereby helping the U.S. economy.

All U.S. military forces must be withdrawn from Afghanistan, not next year but right now, and replaced by Peace Corps, AmeriCorps and former ACORN volunteers, highly skilled in the production and harvesting of poppies. Other volunteers with marketing skills must also be sent, to provide useful guidance on disposing advantageously of the resultant increased production of beautiful poppies and the medicinal products, whatever they may be, derived from them.

The U.S. military forces withdrawn from Afghanistan must be deployed along the Mexican border to provide safe passage to those undocumented Democrats workers who wish to come to the U.S. into and through Arizona to other states where it is to be hoped that they will spend some of the money being airlifted into Mexico, thus further stimulating not only the Mexican but also the U.S. economy.

Despite these proposals, much remains to be done. North Korea continues to be a problem, but that can be solved by paying the sixty-five (or seventy-five) trillion dollars demanded as reparations for past wrongs toward that progressively enlightened nation. That’s a very low price to pay for world peace, and comparable reparations must be paid to all nations and peoples damaged by the United States. In the long run, this will help to stimulate the U.S. economy by encouraging the importation of goods and services from the U.S., should there be any to export.

There is much to be done and the challenges are enormous. President Obama must show us the way to provide far more than the pimpy blood, toil, sweat, and tears once offered by that disgrace to humanity, Winston Churchill, back in an unenlightened savage age of empire. I shall be greatly disappointed should President Obama not decide to announce these and other equally salutary proposals during the Fifth of July festivities in which he deserves and will doubtless have the leading role.

Enjoy the Fifth, quart, liter or whatever, but please don’t forget to apologize. Next year, perhaps we can celebrate a new, better, and real Declaration of Dependence.

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12 Responses to “Let’s All Make the United States a Better Place”

  1. Brian Bagent |

    Good one, Dan.

  2. Clarissa |

    If I, an immigrant, talked about the US with even 1% of the hatred you feel towards this country, you and people like you would accuse me of terrorist sympathies, subversive activities, and God only knows what else.

    It’s sad that you don’t manage to see how unproductive and undeserved your passionate hatred of the United States is. With all its problems (and who has none?), it’s a good country. Maybe you might even get to like it if you give it half a chance. I’ve only lived here for 7 years, and I learned to love it already, with all its faults. Just try giving the US a chance, seriously.

  3. Dan Miller |


    There are many good things in the United States and some which I see as bad. You have listed elsewhere some which you apparently dislike, and for the most part I disagree.

    Bad things are more dangerous to the country and therefore more painful to discuss than the good things. The easiest and least painful way for me to address the latter is through attempts at satire. If the United States were hateful, there would be little use in doing so, and doing so is far from an indictment of the country. To the contrary, it recognizes her best qualities.

    Among the good things are that we don’t elect a president to be worshiped. To elevate a president or anyone else to divine or quasi divine status is pernicious. When we do so, he eventually forfeits his halo and that seems now to be happening.

    There also seems to be a growing recognition that elected officials don’t deserve automatic reelection; maybe even when they bring home some pork.

    People — ordinary citizens and others — are free to say and think as they please and to raise warning flags when they sense that their rights and those of others to do so so may be in jeopardy.

    Vigorous discussion of points of disagreement is still permitted; sometimes it is encouraged, as on this site and others. We don’t need to march in lockstep and shouldn’t do so. Nor has the god of political correctness been elevated quite to the exalted status as in some other countries. Freedom of speech, in my view, is more important and more beneficial.

    Even in Venezuela, which has over the past decade become a cesspool, some do speak out against what they see as an unjust and corrupt government. They put themselves in substantial danger by doing so. That is not the case in the United States, and I very much hope that it never happens there.

  4. Clarissa |

    This is not about pointing out a country’s problems, which is always a noble thing to do. I point out the problems of this country often enough, as you noticed. (It’s significant, though, that you skipped the post where I discuss the good things about the US.)

    What bothers me in your post is not “disagreement”, as you seem to believe. It’s the tone of pure, undiluted, venomous hatred that you aim at a country that is going through tough times. Disagreement is good and productive. Hatred isn’t, though.

    As for the president who is not elected to be worshiped, I couldn’t agree more! This observation is coming a little too late, though, since for eight years we had a president who saw himself not only as a king but as a prophet with a direct line to God. I’m sure you engaged in a lot of activism to have that person re-elected 5 years ago, right? 🙂

  5. larry ennis |


    I fail to find the pure unadulterated venomous hatred you seem to think Dan is metering out in his post.

    Please refrain equating anyone with God. I being a Christian expect the same respect for my belief as do Muslims or Hindus.

    Your observations on the last president are pure liberal hogwash.

    If it’s any consolation to your cause, try to keep in mind that Bush is no longer president. What we now have in Washington is a president that continues to campaign and play golf instead of being a real president. Of course if his handling of the Gulf disaster is an indication of his presidential qualities, maybe he should play more golf.

    BTW — I agree, this is a great country. My life here has been wonderful!

  6. Tom Carter |

    Clarissa, I think you may have read Dan’s satirical take a bit too seriously. I don’t see hatred, just criticism from his point of view.

    As far as immigrants and the ongoing debate about immigration reform is concerned, there is sometimes a particular distortion inserted, often by some who intend to distort the postions of others. Many people think, as I do, that we must get our southern border under control and take necessary steps to deal with people who are in the country illegally. Those “necessary steps” include a reasonable path to legal status for those who are already here and a viable guest worker program. But here comes the distortion: that doesn’t mean that I and others are necessarily anti-immigrant in general.

    I believe the vast majority of people who want immigration reform are intelligent enough to discriminate between legal immigrants and illegal immigrants. There’s no question that the U.S. really is a nation of immigrants, and whatever may be wrong in America, there’s so much more that’s right that people from other countries continue knocking on the door seeking entry. That’s a good thing, but the U.S., like other countries, has to make decisions about who can immigrate because it’s obvious that the doors can’t be completely open to everyone. That’s the problem right now with the southern border.

    Lighten up, Larry. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with noting that someone compares himself to God, or that other people make the comparison. You really need to read a little closer.

  7. Clarissa |

    “Please refrain equating anyone with God. I being a Christian expect the same respect for my belief as do Muslims or Hindus.”

    -Erm. . . I’m not the one who believes George W. got his orders from God. He did it all by himself.

    I will, however, equate anyone with anything as much as I please. Respect for someone’s religion does not entail not expressing your own opinions. It entails not forcing other people to adopt them.

    And even though Bush is no longer president, we are all still living with the consequences of the economic crisis he worked so hard to create.

    Tom: I happen to be intimately acquainted with the process of applying for permanent residency in the US, and I have to say that it’s an endless, very expensive, extremely tortuous and super bureaucratized process. I can only imagine how tiny the population of this country would be if everybody’s ancestors had to undergo this insane procedure.

    Strangely, people who advocate for smaller governments seem to have no interest in cutting down all the bureaucracy involved in the immigration process.

  8. Brianna |

    Errr… I’d love to cut down on the bureaucracy involved in the immigration process. I advocate for that all the time, and one of the stock arguments of conservatives and libertarians is the amount of crap legals have to go through to become citizens. In fact, many legals dislike illegals worse than native-borns do, because they have to jump through all the hoops while the illegals just skip through and nobody cares.

    Another conservative advocating for clearing the roadblocks for legals


  9. Tom Carter |

    Clarissa, I couldn’t agree with you more, in all respects.

    On the bureaucracy and red tape immigrants must endure in the U.S. system, your experience is pretty typical. I know many people, some of them good friends, who’ve had to go through it. That’s a problem that ought to be fixed, but it won’t be, I’m sure. It isn’t much better or easier in most other countries, but that’s no excuse.

  10. Dan Miller |

    I also agree that the United States immigration system needs substantial improvement. It is extraordinarily and unnecessarily difficult to obtain residency status and that problem needs lots of work.

    Bureaucracy, inefficiency and inertia are big parts of the problem and not only in the field of immigration.

    This does not mean that the laws, while they remain laws, should not be enforced. It’s a slippery slope. If instead of changing bad laws we simply don’t enforce them, we are in for some pretty rough sledding.

  11. Brian Bagent |

    While I’m not a fan of bureaucracy, I also don’t think it should be terribly easy to obtain naturalized citizenship, either.

    If you want to be a naturalized citizen here, you need to earn it. Shamefully few native-born Americans know anything at all about our history, or why our federal government was formed the way it was. We do not need to add to the pool of native-born ignorance by making it too easy to naturalize.

    Clarissa, one of the constitutionally valid functions of our congress is to establish uniform rules for naturalization. You might be interested to know that prior to the ratification of the 14th amendment, almost nobody had US citizenship – they only had citizenship in the state where they resided. It was intended to be that way because the founders believed (and I happen to agree with them) that a person’s first loyalty should be to his or her state, not to the federal government.

  12. d |

    The sad part is,with all that hard work becoming a citizen a person from anywhere else goes through,illegal mexicans just skip across the border and dissapear. I just saw a comedien,who said, she was from the mexican part of Texas,know as Texas.Guess what, she’s right, and the illegal Mexicans have all the rights and all the benefits of being legal,here.
    Good article,Dan,I particularly,like the giving out tens and twenties,that would probably work.
    Clarissa,I did not think Dan hated the country,either,he is Dan,remember? Very funny satire. One note,though,he does live somewhere else:)

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