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October 15th, 2010
Last night President Obama, with the full backing of the Democratic Party, shocked the nation by calling for a repeal of the Laws of Thermodynamics, which he claims have been “nothing but an impediment to my efforts to get this country out of the recession.”
When asked why he felt it necessary to alter the laws of nature, Obama explained that studies conducted by the EPA, the Department of Energy, and his own personal staff had shown that these laws, far from being unalterable facts of reality, were actually mere human constructs which were hindering American prosperity and lengthening the recession.
“You see,” he explained, “the First Law of Thermodynamics, which states that energy must be conserved, prevents us from obtaining energy out of nothing, which forces us to pay more for energy. And even worse than that, the Second Law of Thermodynamics, which states that the universe must continually become more disordered as entropy increases, means that even when we find a convenient form of energy, our use of it forces it to become disordered and impossible to reuse. So you can see that if we repeal these laws, America will be much better off.”
Reporters then asked him whether he felt this issue was more serious than his fight against the Laws of Economics, which had previously been the Obama administration’s main focus.
“Oh absolutely,” he replied. “The Laws of Economics may tell us that government cannot create wealth and that it cannot give money to one person without taking at least that much money from another, but the Laws of Thermodynamics tell us that we can’t obtain energy out of thin air. Think how much cheaper energy for cars and homes would be if we could get energy out of thin air; think how much easier it’d be to run factories and create manufacturing jobs. And all of those things would benefit the poor and the middle class far more than the rich. We like to think that the Laws of Economics hurt the poor, and they do, but in reality the damage done by the Laws of Thermodynamics are much worse. So if we just focus on repealing the Laws of Thermodynamics instead, then Americans — especially the poor and middle-class — will be much better off.”
Obama emphasized this point in a speech given to his supporters later in the day:
“If it weren’t for the greedy machinations of reality, we could have cut poverty in half by now through decreased energy prices,” Obama told his supporters. “Forget those greedy fat cats and their touted Laws of Economics, it is Nature itself against which you should truly direct your ire!”
When asked whether he really thinks its a good idea to defy “Nature itself,” Obama replied that it wasn’t “Nature” he was concerned about. Rather, what drove him was the concerns of real Americans whom the arbitrary edicts of Nature were harming. “I hear from you at town hall meetings like this. I read your letters,” Obama said. “I know that the Laws of Thermodynamics are causing you to suffer, are causing you to expend effort that would otherwise be unnecessary, and I promise to devote the remainder of my Presidency to helping you to alleviate that suffering.”
The initiative has garnered much support in Democratic and more moderate Republican circles, but some hardline conservatives and independents have been less enthusiastic. Although these critics reluctantly conceded that life would indeed be easier if the Laws of Thermodynamics could be repealed, they expressed doubts as to whether those Laws were indeed mere human constructions which could be changed at whim. However, President Obama denounced this view.
“There have always been those who refused to compromise, who attempted to block the road to progress,” Obama replied when he was asked about these comments. “These people are entitled to their opinion, but I will not allow their cynicism to get in the way of real Americans’ hopes for change.”
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