Saudis Arrest Israeli Buzzard

January 6th, 2011

By Tom Carter

There are things you just can’t make up, and it seems there are more and more of them every day.

The headline on Drudge said, Vulture tagged by Israeli scientists flies into Saudi Arabia — arrested for being a spy! I passed on two other absurd headlines — “Alec Baldwin ‘very, very interested’ in running for office…” and “Michele Bachmann considering presidential bid…”.  But I couldn’t resist the vulture spy headline, partly because it was more realistic than the other two.

My interest in this buzzard story (that’s what we call ’em in Texas) was heightened by a recent article I wrote about a couple of gay buzzards in Germany.  Just like I didn’t know there were gay birds, I didn’t know that buzzards could be trained and equipped for espionage.  I have to say though, that if anyone is intelligent enough to do it, that would be the Israelis.  And if anyone is dumb enough to arrest a buzzard for spying, that would be Saudi Arabia (or any other Arab nation.)

Seems some students at Tel Aviv University tagged the buzzard as part of a migration research study.  He was wearing a leg bracelet and, worse, a transmitter.  According to the report, “Residents and local reporters told Saudi Arabia’s Al-Weeam newspaper that the Israeli bird seemed as though it could be a ‘Zionist plot.'”

That’s right in line with the recent Israeli shark attacks at a resort area in the Egyptian Sinai:

Last month a politician in Egypt suggested that the deadly shark that killed and maimed multiple tourist may have been sent by Mossad.

The animal could have been, the Sinai regional governor claimed, an Israeli agent.

“What is being said about the Mossad throwing the deadly shark in the sea to hit tourism in Egypt is not out of the question. But it needs time to confirm,” Mohamed Abdel Fadil Shousha said at the time.

You got to admit, those sharp Arabs don’t miss much!

Having more than my share of military flying experience in dangerous areas, to include surveillance missions, it wasn’t hard to imagine how communications would have gone between mission control on the ground in Israel and the airborne buzzard spy (the callsign BS27 is for Buzzard Squadron flight 27):

Control:  BS27, this is control.  Report. Over.

BS27:  Qwark!  Squawk!  Grrgle!

Control:  Roger, BS27, understand you have nothing to report.  What about that papa charlie [perished camel] you reported earlier — the one we saw on your video link?  Over.

BS27:  Skwirk!  Lrbli!  Grrgle!

Control:  Roger, understand it’s just a papa charlie.  We want to confirm if it was carrying weapons.  Over.

BS27:  Qwark!  Kluggh!  Mugla?  Grrgle!

Control:  BS27, there’s no danger in landing.  No living things with 350 miles — remember, this is Saudi Arabia.  Just land and check the papa charlie for weapons.  And, yes, you can have lunch while you’re doing it if you must.  Over.

BS27:  Hackkh!  Irrgh!  Humkha!  Humkha!  Brglok?  Grrgle!

Control:  BS27, a Saudi fighter jet is circling you?  OK, just keep calm.  That’s a higher-priority collection objective than the papa charlie.  See if you can get close enough to see what kind of fighter it is and what weapons it’s equipped with.  Over.

BS27:  Brglok?  Klogl!  Humgra!  Humgra!  Grrgle!

Control:  BS27, just do it.  Hit the afterburner on your jetpack and you’ll be able to catch him.  And stop bitching about scorched tail feathers — they’ll grow back.  Over.

Bs27:  Qwark!  Humkha!  Kerbrbl!  Mugla?  Grrgle!

Control:  BS27, we saw it all on your video link.  He crashed right into the desert!  Return to base, BS27.  Yes, you can have lunch when you get back.  There’s some roadkill on the highway.  Out.

Post-mission report from mission control to Mossad headquarters:

Control:  Mossad 6, this is Control.  Over.

Mossad 6:  Roger, Control.  Report.  Over.

Control:  BS27 completed his mission and he’s returning to base.  One papa charlie sighted but not investigated because a Saudi fighter came on the scene.  BS27 went into afterburner and flew alongside the fighter.  We got great video.  It looked like it was prayer time because the Saudi pilot had his boots off and his feet on the instrument panel, trying to wash them.  Must have hit the controls because the fighter rolled over, went into an inverted flat spin, and crashed in the desert.  Over.

Mossad 6:  Great!  Four more and BS27 will be an ace!  [Chuckles in the background]  Over.

Control:  Yeah, right.  If he has any tail feathers left.  Over.

Mossad 6:  Good report, Control.  Got to go — we’re having trouble with the communications link to the shark in President Mubarak’s swimming pool.  Out.

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Categories: Humor, Military, News, Politics | Comments (4) | Home

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4 Responses to “Saudis Arrest Israeli Buzzard”

  1. Lisa |

    Perhaps we can learn something from Saudi Arabia’s counter espionage program. We just need to start thinking outside the box. They probably have files on animal intelligence as well as human intelligence. This is leading edge stuff!!!!

  2. Tony |

    It is important that we should always believe the Press, because upon it our Holy Faith depends, and it follows that we should never check the provenance of such reports as this or ask who might have made it up. It was vital, for instance, that Palestinian children should dance at the news of 9.11, even though they hadn’t heard it, and were being – incomprehensibly – paid to dance by an Occupation journalist. The great thing is not to think outside the box OR in it, but to believe what interested parties choose to tell us without thinking at all. Believe and be saved, fellow peasants! 🙂

  3. Brianna |

    The Egyptian Minister of Conspiracy Theories is interviewed on Latma

    The entire video is hilarious, as is most of Latma’s work, but if you want to fast-foward to Egypt, start at 1:15

  4. Tom Carter |

    Thanks, Brianna. Great videos! Like all good satire, there are big chunks of truth in everything they say.

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