Opinion Forum

Jeremiah the Bullfrog for President

April 26th, 2011

Bullfrog In the grand march for human rights at the United Nations, the edicts of which trump our silly old Constitution, the regrettably backwards United States must cease her foot dragging. The Human Rights Council leads the way, although with little leadership from the socially regressive United States.

The march to recognize the human rights of Mother Earth and her sadly abused and neglected citizens — bravely started by little Bolivia — seems much favored by our Green Muslim friends and we cannot remain behind as they and the rest of the world move ever forward. Former “green jobs czar” Van Jones is solidly on board and his organization,

the Global Alliance for the Rights of Nature “is working to build a movement of millions of educated and inspired individuals, with thousands of successful cases of enforceable Rights of Nature legislation having been enacted at local and national levels, by the end of 2014,” according to the Pachamama website.

The group also is running a parallel media campaign, called “Four Years. Go.,” to build enthusiasm for the same rapid environmental change, using “personal communication, social media and a rich web presence to inspire a movement of people who recognize the urgency, and the opportunity, of this time and stand for using the next four years, through 2014, to literally change the course of history.”

Unjustly maligned Ex-President Carter has been strangely silent on this important matter, perhaps because of his focus on the plight of North Korea. However, one must nevertheless question the current status of our non-human citizens. A pig should become the next Secretary General of the United Nations, thereby elevating the honesty, competence and intellectual glow of the entire body governing us.

Sadly, a lowly frog naturally born and raised in the swamps of Florida can not presently become the President of the United States. True, frogs are hatched rather than “born,” but that is not their fault and is of no consequence. The unfairness of this discrimination on account of mere color — green — should be apparent to all. Since frogs must soon be recognized as having full human rights, why not as naturally born, or hatched, citizens of the United States, endowed by Mother Nature with all of the requisite Constitutional qualifications for the presidency?

The United States has in recent years lagged behind, in cowardly fashion, her betters at the U.N. Are we so inferior to the citizens of Bolivia, whose government offered its Honest Empathy And Rights for Trees Solution (HEARTS) at the United Nations, that we cannot join her in this march? Indeed, Bolivia “is set to pass the world’s first laws granting all nature equal rights to humans.”

Although having a tree, perhaps a solid and silent oak, would be an improvement over some past and current presidents, that’s a stretch too far for now. Nevertheless, the United States should get out in front of Bolivia by electing Jeremiah the Bullfrog as our next President. Are we no longer exceptional? Jeremiah, born in 1971, has been a leader of the environmental movement since his ~~childhood~~ tadpole days. This is an idea whose time has come and we should strive to make it happen. With a campaign slogan of “Rib bit, Rib bit, Rib bit,” meaning whatever he and we may wish it to mean, Jeremiah will win a resounding victory no less well deserved than was President Obama’s victory in 2009.

President Jeremiah will bring peace and joy to the world, pleasing Mother Earth and all creatures precariously living aboard at her tender mercy — even the fishes in the deep blue seas. Let us all go whole hog and give hope and change a real chance. Gaia requires no less.

(This article was also posted at Dan Miller’s Blog.)

Articles written by Dan Miller
Tags: discrimination, EPA, global warming, Muslims, natural born, PC, satire, UN
Categories: Humor, Law, Politics | Comments (4) | Home

4 Responses to “Jeremiah the Bullfrog for President”

Tom Carter | April 27th, 2011 at 4:40 am

Well, Dan, there are some immediately obvious problems with this idea.

Jeremiah and his ~~running~~ hopping mates are also a food source, particularly in the South. Some folks gig ’em and cook their hind legs, and once Jeremiah becomes president, he’ll probably discriminate in favor of his own kind and legally deprive many Southerners of an important source of sustenance. Either that, or he might get served up as the main course at a state dinner for some Middle East potentate.

Given the anthropomorphic campaign of some green environmentalist progressive liberal wackos, we may soon grant full human rights to frogs and suchlike, and then we’d be faced with the prospect of either not being able to eat any kind of creature or being able to eat all kinds of creatures. Got to have that full equality, dontcha know.

Taken to its logical end, your idea could well end up with all of us gnawing on the thigh bones of politicians from Barack Obama to Sarah Palin (I’ve got dibs on Sarah). Is that what you really want?

Beyond those serious concerns, I would point out that we don’t know where Jeremiah was ~~born~~ hatched. Nor do we know where he spent his tadpolatry; he might have been educated in a Mexican madrassa, for all we know.

Finally, bullfrogs are the state amphibian (how dumb is that?) of Iowa, Missouri, and Oklahoma. Iowans routinely demonstrate their propensity to ~~vote~~ caucus for random idiots, and that would give Jeremiah an unfair advantage early in the primaries. Of course, that wouldn’t happen in Oklahoma, where most folks can’t read, so unless there’s a froggie picture beside Jeremiah’s name on the ballot, they wouldn’t be biased in favor of their state amphibian.

Dan Miller | April 27th, 2011 at 10:22 am

Mock on, Sir, mock on. Eventually even you will recognize that this is a splendid idea whose time has come and that we will all be better for it.

Not to be outdone by President Obama, Jeremiah just released his own hatch certificate confirming that he was, indeed, hatched in Florida. Any remaining questions about his student days will soon pass into well deserved oblivion.

As to the non-problem of being unable to eat any creature with “human rights” — a terribly condescending term reflecting man’s immature need to wrap himself in his “human” delusions of grandeur — some of Gaia’s other creatures will willingly volunteer to be of service for the greater good of all. If selfish humans emulate them, all will be well.

Tom Carter | April 27th, 2011 at 4:39 pm

I mock thee not, Good Knight of the Order of the Ladies Dike and Justitia. All the nightmares I dredged from the depths of my fevered mind are certain to be valid now or then; after all, did not Joe the Biden become the Vice of the President, following in the honored footsteps of Sir Spiro d’Agnew?

P.S. Some morally superior ideologue with more outrage than education will undoubtedly divine a PC violation in the first sentence of this comment….

d | April 28th, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Ahh,I love Three Dog Night,and This song. Thanks for the reminder of simplier times and much better days,of past glories, and no political correctness. It couldn’t be much worse,but all that croaking,would be annoying. Fly swatters and fly paper, would be banned. Let’s throw away the cars,and the bars and the war,and…..