Opinion Forum

Life Is Really Rotten in the United States

June 2nd, 2011

Or maybe it’s all a conspiracy.

According to a global happiness index allegedly from North Korea,

…the country and its allies are the most cheerful countries in the world….

Shanghaiist reports that North Korea’s Chosun Central Television recently came out with a happiness index compiled by local researchers. Their findings? China is the happiest place on the planet, earning 100 points (a perfect score!). At number two is none other than North Korea itself. Cuba, Iran and Venezuela (in that order) round out the top five.

The United States places dead last, coming in 203rd. South Korea is nearly just as depressed a nation; it ranks 152^ndon the list.

Based on extensive research, presumably including the review of numerous tweets from and interviews with Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY), information from and about former presidential aspirant John Edwards as well as news of U.S. backed genocidal atrocities in Palestine, these findings should not be questioned. As a humanitarian gesture, North Korea should publish them widely in Latin America to stem the migration of already pitiful victims of those countries’ poverty. Otherwise, their sad plights will worsen dramatically upon arrival in the United States, the unhappiest of countries. North Korea should also send Happy Meals and other aid immediately.

The U.S. special envoy for North Korean human rights visited Pyongyang last week, ostensibly to consult on how food aid should be distributed to North Korea’s extremely happy people, who plainly do not need it. It has not yet been acknowledged that he instead sought North Korean happiness assistance for the United States. However, the State Department has denied neither that he made such a request nor that such assistance would be welcomed. Might this stonewalling be evidence of a conspiracy to suppress domestic news of North Korea’s findings? Alternatively, the report about those findings may itself be a hoax, concocted by the Department of Immigration and Naturalization to reduce the excessive demands on its own overburdened staff. We may never learn the answers to these important questions; as those questions remain unanswered the conspiracy suspicions they raise will continue to fester.

(This article was first published at The PJ Tatler.)

Articles written by Dan Miller
Tags: China, DPRK, food aid, happiness, North Korean, satire, U.S., Weiner
Categories: News, Politics | Comments (3) | Home

3 Responses to “Life Is Really Rotten in the United States”

larry ennis | June 3rd, 2011 at 10:00 am

Dan
Just when I thought it was safe to come out of hiding.

Dan | June 6th, 2011 at 6:13 pm

I know this was a tongue in cheek bit, but what if they are on to something? What if all of the people in the US who want to be controlled and told what to do by their government were happier under a dictatorship and all of those who have no wish to be controlled were able to form their own country? Oh wait…they did – in the United States – 235 years ago.

Tom Carter | June 6th, 2011 at 10:38 pm

Dan, you may be on to something here. Maybe we could do it again? I don’t mean having a revolutionary war, but how about just voting all the bums out next time and keep doing it until they get the point. According to the polls, there are enough folks out there unhappy with the current state of affairs to take care of it. But they won’t. Too bad.