Muslim Swimsuits and Christian Snakes

August 31st, 2011

By Tom Carter

Muslim SwimsuitI realize that everyone has the right to believe in their own particular superstition religion and, at least in America, the right to engage in whatever goofy behavior their religion requires, as long as they don’t impinge on the rights of others.

Once in a while, though, some ridiculous religious practice pops up in front of you that demands comment, once you stop laughing.  Such is the case with the swimsuits some Muslim women wear, voluntarily or otherwise.

Take for example the advertisement I found on the internet for the “Alsharifa Laguna Modest Swimsuit.”  Some of the descriptions of the swimsuit in the ad are especially chucklable:

Does not cling to skin, even when wet.  Now, I can see how important that is.  Imagine what would happen if the swimsuit clung to the wearer’s skin when wet, revealing that it was a woman instead of, say, a man with an oddly attractive face.  This could result in the untimely demise of the wearer at the hands of her father, brother, uncle, or husband in order to protect the family’s honor.  So when you think about it, this swimsuit actually saves lives.

50+ SPF (sun protection factor).   No doubt.  That’s about the same SPF a woman experiences when she’s praying at the mosque (behind and separate from the men, of course) or cleaning up the house.

Full cut, fits most people.  And most elephants, for that matter.

Knee-level tunic for maximum modesty.  Good thing, too.  If it were discernible that the wearer actually has knees, can you imagine how turned on the average Muslim dude would get?  (See above re the family’s honor.)

Prevents women from engaging in water sports.  OK, I made this one up.  But think about how damaging it would be to the Muslim male ego if a woman could swim faster or perform better than him in synchronized swimming or, heaven forbid, the breast stroke!

Here’s another ad for potatosack modest Muslim beach fashions:

Before Christians take too much pleasure from this example of Muslim silliness, they might want to check out this tomfoolery practiced by some of their coreligionists:

These inbred cretins base their snake-handling services on the Bible, specifically Mark 16:17-18 and Luke 10:19.

Imagine what it would be like if a Muslim woman from California and a Christian snake handler from Kentucky met and fell in love.  They arrange a date to meet on the beach, far from the murderous eyes of her relatives:

As they approach each other, he says,  “Is that you, honey?  All I can see is eyes…where are your knees?”

She replies, perhaps smiling but who knows, her swimsuit billowing out several yards in all directions, “Of course it’s me, sweetheart!  Is that a snake in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?”

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10 Responses to “Muslim Swimsuits and Christian Snakes”

  1. Clarissa |

    What an absolutely hilarious post! I truly enjoyed it.

  2. larry ennis |

    Don’t know much about Muslim swim suits or snake handling. Neither one is of a prime importance in my life. I’m confident that the same can be said for most that read Tom’s piece. It was humorous in a tongue and cheek way and I enjoyed reading it. My only objection is the some what derogatory shot that was taken at the Christian faith. Because I am a Christian, I’d be remiss if I failed to defend my faith. Case in point is that I take exception with the inference that a great number of Christians are snake handling nut jobs. For the record, it just aint so.

  3. d |

    HMMMM. Think how many faults and muffin tops you could hide in this suit. I seriously doubt there will be much swimming, inside this suit,though. I would,definitely, wear the swimsuit, before I would kiss the snake.

  4. Tom Carter |

    True, the number of Christians who are snake handlers is very small indeed. Just as the number of Muslims who are terrorists and who kill their female relatives for reasons of honor is very small. I guess I was too subtle….

    The modest swimsuits are all too real, though. I actually saw two of them in Texas, of all places. A family at a hotel swimming pool, father and sons in normal swimsuits, mother and daughter wrapped head-to-toe in those silly things. The males swimming and having a good time, the females sitting in chairs and just watching. Looked kind of sad.

  5. Brian |

    I don’t seem to recall any snake-handlers blowing planes out of the sky or holes in destroyers or destroying sky scrapers.

    If just 1/10th of 1% of muslims are terrorists, that would still make for about 150,000 muslim terrorists world-wide. That isn’t an insignificant number. And, I rather suspect that that’s a low number.


  6. Tom Carter |

    OK, but the point was not degrees of evil but goofy and weird religious beliefs.

  7. d |

    I could remind you,Brian,that there have been terrorists of other religious afiliations. For example,Christian,maybe not snake kissers, but Bible followers. The Oklahoma bombings,for one,and there are many other acts of terrorism done by other religious zelots.
    It is silly and probably,dangerous,to swim in these outfits,but I respect their views about modesty,and I believe,we could use a tad more,just look around Walmart.

  8. Dan Miller |

    People have been killed violently by weapons other than atomic bombs. People have been harmed by diseases other than polio. Therefore . . . .

  9. Brian |

    Doris, McVeigh and Nichols were roundly criticized by nearly everyone, including all main-line Christian Churches. McVeigh and Nichols are the exception that prove the rule.

    Punkin’, you haven’t been to the Middle East. You have no earthly idea what they’re like. None. I was in Yemen right before the USS Cole got bombed. My airplane was shot up by the same nutjobs and mentality of the whackos that blew up the Cole.

    There is absolutely no comparison between so-called Christian terrorism and what the Muslims are doing. It’s disgraceful moral equivalence to even suggest they’re the same.

  10. d |

    You are correct,I have not been to the Middle East,but I still don’t like generalities,darlin. In my book,that is like saying all blondes are stupid.True,there are stupid blondes,but just because you are blonde,you aren’t automatically stupid. The reason we don’t have blonde jokes for men,is because they’re all the same. Just joking,if you take offence.

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