Opinion Forum

Culex Mosquitoes Declared an Endangered Species

October 9th, 2011

In a long anticipated announcement, the Federal Insect Board (FIB) today proclaimed that the Culex Mosquito is an endangered species. Since the Culex are small and difficult for lay-persons to distinguish from other types of mosquito, urgent steps are being taken to prevent the killing of all mosquitoes. In a related development, President Obama today issued an executive decree banning all insecticides used or useful in mosquito eradication and announced that legal action has already begun against such rogue entities as the State of Illinois — which have been bothersomely active in promoting genocide and even insecticide in their attempts to eliminate mosquitoes. In another related development, a bill is being pushed through the House to “allow the Border Patrol to pursue illegal aliens across millions of acres of public property mapped off-limits by federal bureaucrats to protect forests and endangered species.” The Mosquitoes Are Our Friends Organization (MAOFO) is opposing the bill, which would block the secretaries of Interior and Agriculture “from prohibiting or restricting the Border Patrol across any public lands within 100 miles of the borders with Mexico and Canada.” According to MAOFA, the restrictions must be dramatically expanded to include all wet areas in border states where mosquitoes breed.

Here is a photo of President Obama speaking before assembled ~~climatologists~~ insectologists to explain his decision and his enthusiastic support for MAOFA:

President Obama with School Kids

His words came directly from the heart so no teleprompter was necessary. When President Obama had finished, they unanimously agreed with his bold actions and expressed their support for all future presidential initiatives to right the many wrongs done by right-wing conservatives. Each received a free raffle ticket and was entered in a lottery to award the lucky winner dinner with President and Mrs. Obama.

Although he did not have to use a teleprompter, President Obama did use notes and is pictured here showing them, transparently, to his initially skeptical audience:

President Barack Obama

As he recently made clear in an unrelated context, “I’ve got a lot of moving parts” and

do an unprecedented job of ensuring that my federal agencies do what’s best for all of us, not just for the extremely right, rich and therefore greedy few who refuse to help me in my quest for their extermination to bring historically high levels of employment for the rest of us.

He expressed his complete confidence in all of his agencies as well as his particular pleasure with an action by the Department of Agriculture (DOA) to eliminate many vegetables from the diets of school children. Under new regulations, “no more than one cup per week of lima beans, peas, corn, or potatoes will be permitted each student.”

Not that there is anything nutritionally unsound about these items, and most moms would be thrilled if their kids consumed more than a cup of peas each week. It’s just that Washington wants our children “to try new vegetables.” (That’s verbatim.) Consequently, schools would be required to provide more dark green, orange, and dry bean varieties in their place.

A renowned constitutional scholar, President Obama confirmed that these steps are necessary and proper under Article II, Section 2 of the Constitution, which specifically provides,

The President shall be Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy of the United States, and of the Militia of the several States, when called into the actual Service of the United States. . . .

As the Commander in Chief, President Obama clearly has an obligation to do his best to ensure that all children — many of whom are certain to join the military — are well fed and therefore physically fit. That is necessary to our national defense. His various agencies also have corresponding obligations to do all that is necessary and appropriate to that end.

Concurrently with President Obama’s statements, and the announcement that he has appointed Shakira to his advisory committee on Hispanic education, all candidates for the Republican presidential nomination stood down, proclaiming as with one voice their support for him.

Shakira

The House of Representatives then passed the Save Obama Bill (SOB) on a unanimous vote and the Senate promptly followed. The Exalted Grand Wizard of The Tea Party immediately announced its unified support for President Obama’s reelection and confirmed that it is now working closely with ACORN so that they can act as one. Anticlimactically, the Dow Jones Industrial Average climbed by more than one thousand points and is expected to reach an all-time high soon. President Obama’s strong happiness rating as reported by Rasmussen is expected to match the Dow average in its dizzy climb as soon as the masses find out what happened. The recent trend in other polls, such as Gallup, which had been tending down for him, is also expected to be reversed.

This is good news for environmentalists in the United States and will do much to promote the rejuvenation of Planet Earth. It will also create or save many thousands of jobs by encouraging the manufacture of solar powered mosquito feeders and egg laying hutches for hungry, homeless and heretofore persecuted mosquitoes. In addition, thousands of underutilized medical personnel will be fully employed in treating such illnesses as malaria and encephalitis, if the unsupported claims of the lunatic right that mosquitoes spread those overrated diseases are to be credited. President Obama predicted that more jobs will be saved or created by this bold initiative than by all of his previous efforts to stimulate the national economy combined; a highly regarded fact-check organization, strategically located in the White House, promptly announced that this prediction is indisputably accurate.

We are extraordinarily fortunate to have such an One as President Obama in the White House, doing his relentless and unstinting best for us all. His historic initiatives, already boldly advanced, have more than justified the decision of the Nobel Prize Committee in awarding him the Nobel Peace Prize soon after his elevation to the presidency — may peas be upon them for their steadfast support of “Yes, We Can,” or now more accurately, “Yes, He Did it!”

(This article was also posted at Dan Miller’s Blog.)

Articles written by Dan Miller
Tags: children, election, mosquitoes, Obama, satire, Shakira, vegetables
Categories: Humor, Politics | Comments (7) | Home

7 Responses to “Culex Mosquitoes Declared an Endangered Species”

d | October 10th, 2011 at 2:36 pm

? What is your point?

Dan Miller | October 10th, 2011 at 3:55 pm

My point?

On the western shores of the Chesapeake Bay, a bit north of the place where the Potomac River joins it, there is a minor outcropping of land. It retains the name given it long ago, “Point No Point.”

President Obama reminds me of Point No Point. He will likely be remembered, for as long as he is remembered at all, as having been the President for four years during which he had, at best, no point at all.

Tom Carter | October 10th, 2011 at 5:20 pm

How about the belief some people have that the reach of the federal government is virtually unlimited? And the fact that it picks minor issues or subjects, elevates them to supreme importance, and in the process unleashes unintended consequences that they don’t have to the ability to anticipate?

Or, perhaps, the fact that Point No Point does indeed have a point — if you smack into it, your boat will sink. Just like we’re sinking under the helmsmanship of President Obama.

Dan Miller | October 10th, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Yeah, Tom, those too.

Once upon a time, the federal government was little concerned with stuff that, if it needed to be handled by government at all, could be handled by state and local government — stuff like school lunch menus, bake sales and kids pushing each other around at recess. Now, things have turned around. The feds try to deal with those things under the awesome leadership of President Obama. The feds are supposed to protect our borders but instead ship firearms to Mexican cartels and then lie about it. President Obama? Neither he nor his Cabinet members had any notion of what was happening until the mess surfaced in the press; wow! Were they surprised and horrified! Maybe not horrified exactly; maybe just caught off guard by the press. When a state, with a long and porous border with Mexico, tries to do something to protect its borders because the feds are not, the feds sue to prevent it. The feds blow money on green ventures after being credibly warned that they will go bankrupt anyway and try to defend it on the grounds that fecal matter happens. And that’s just the tip of the manure pile.

Will running smack into President Obama cause a ship to sink? It all depends on the ship. Some are made of rubber and are sufficiently policy-flexible that they will go along to get along and run into Point Obama only rhetorically, during the campaign and then strive to become Obama.version 2. Some are so rigid that even a little five foot wave caused by a twenty knot breeze can rupture them. The rest of the contenders? Qué será, será

d | October 11th, 2011 at 4:03 pm

I fear responding will do me in,but,are you sure,president Obama caused all that? I pretty much, think most of this stuff has been, and will continue,to go on forever. Government,pretty much,means,corruption. You are giving the Pres. way too much credit. I don’t believe he has been responsible for much of anything,therein,lies the problem. He is most assuridly,a lame duck.

Dan Miller | October 11th, 2011 at 4:21 pm

d, you say I don’t believe he has been responsible for much of anything,therein,lies the problem. He is most assuridly,a lame duck.

That he declines to accept responsiblity for just about everything bad is a big problem. Since he was elected to be the President, it is his job to keep his minions in line; nobody else has the authority to do that. He can claim credit for any good that his administration may do but can’t shirk the blame for the bad that it does. As a sign posted briefly on President Truman’s desk said, “The buck stops here.” With President Truman, it often did; not so with President Obama. The country simply can’t afford him.

I very much hope that he is, indeed, a lame duck. The feeling within the party to which he belongs seems to be tending in that direction. Whether it is because some have learned of his weaknesses or merely want to retain some power after the November 2012 elections is beyond me, but whatever may be the reasons the trend does not augur well for his reelection.

d | October 12th, 2011 at 9:42 am

well,I think I said that,not he. I am not defending him,I just don’t think the republican controlled,government,will allow him to do anything,good,or bad. No, we cannot afford him,but who knows if it will be better or much worse,with total republican control,I don’t. Nor do you.8)