Opinion Forum

The UN Says There Are 7 Billion of Us

October 31st, 2011

The United Nations Population Division says that as of today there are seven billion people on Earth. I take that seriously, given that the UN is an efficient organization staffed by poorly paid experts who mostly hail from third-world nations where their countrymen and countrywomen are breeding like bunnies. Who else would know better?

Mind you, this horrific milestone is happening today, not tomorrow or yesterday. Or maybe not:

The United Nations has no way of knowing for certain when the 7 billion milestone will be reached. Oct. 31 is a symbolic date based on population estimates dating back five years, according to an explanation on the division’s Web site. Projections have at least a 1 percent margin of error, meaning the population can be reached six months before a target date or six months after. …

Wolfgang Lutz, founding director of the Wittgenstein Centre for Demography and Human Capital, challenged the United Nations’ fertility estimates. The International Institute for Applied System Analysis, which collaborates with Lutz’s group, projected that the population won’t reach 7 billion until July next year at the earliest, or January 2013 at the latest.

I would take Dr. Lutz, who actually holds two doctorates and heads a professional organization, a bit more seriously. That’s at least partly because he knows what he doesn’t know, i.e., he has no idea when we’ll reach that magic mark of seven billion.

But never mind. The fact is there’s too many of us. As my man Malthus said, “The power of population is indefinitely greater than the power in the earth to produce subsistence for man.” Never mind that he’s been wrong for over 200 years; like the UN, he may someday prove to be right.

I can’t back it up with statistics (neither can the UN, really), but I know for sure that there are too damn many people in the world. Every time I’m stuck in a traffic jam or trying to check out at my local Walmart, there they are — all those people complicating my life. And I know what they’re up to. They’re headed home to generate even more of us.

I change planes at the Frankfurt airport several times a year, most recently twice last week. I’ve been doing that for a very, very long time. Every year it gets worse. At this point it seems like the entire population of the Indian subcontinent has taken up residence there, along with a large portion of the population of Turkey. They’ve even added a room to the convenience suites — Men, Women, Baby Changing, and now Population Generation. I’m told that newest room is designed to look like a third-world four-star hotel room — concrete walls and floor, a bunk with a bad mattress, and a leaky washbowl.

I’m not just unhappy, I’m going to do something about it. Me and my friend Eugene are starting the World Population Control Center. Anyone who wants to produce offspring has to send us an application. If we disapprove it, you’ll just have to take a cold shower (don’t start on world water problems). This will also have the advantage of alleviating the serious problem of a surging worldwide population of ugly people. We ain’t approving no applications from ugly folk.

Articles written by Tom Carter
Tags: 7 billion, Frankfurt, Malthus, population, satire, statistics, ugly people, UN
Categories: Humor, Life, News | Comments (2) | Home

2 Responses to “The UN Says There Are 7 Billion of Us”

Dan Miller | October 31st, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Tom, a great bit of satire. I got as far as the statement in the second sentence, “the UN is an efficient organization staffed by poorly paid experts . . . .” before I became concerned that you might be suffering from terminal jet lag induced insanity.

d | November 1st, 2011 at 9:23 am

Very funny,indeed. On a more serious note,you make a great arguement for abortion,in this article. No one wants to raise ugly,or unwanted children, on purpose.