A Forum for Opinions on News, Politics, and Life
January 9th, 2012
By Tom Carter
I curse the evil forces that malevolently scheduled the Republican debate to coincide with the NFL playoff game on Saturday night. And I mean a serious curse — plague, pestilence, warts, boils, and collapse of their mutual funds! As a football fan and a political junkie, it presented me with an almost unresolvable choice. Should I watch a bunch of guys chosen purely on merit bash themselves in public, or should I watch a bunch of guys of marginal merit chosen by themselves and their cronies bash themselves in public?
With a heavy heart and unprintable mutterings, I watched the first part of the New Orleans – Detroit game, then switched to the debate with the score tied 7-7. After almost two hours of embarrassing political tomfoolery, I was relieved to find that my favored team, the Saints, were giving the Lions a drubbing late in the game. Too bad I missed seeing them actually do it.
The debate consisted mainly of Mitt Romney, the only candidate on the stage capable of winning in November, and five squabbling also-rans who mostly attacked each other with exaggerations, misstated facts, and downright lies. I hope their mothers weren’t watching.
It’s time for Republicans — and everyone else who doesn’t want to see President Obama re-elected — to get serious. Mitt Romney is a moderate conservative who will appeal both to the far right and to moderates/independents, the people who will decide the election. He has the experience, knowledge, and skill needed to be president. No empty suit here. He also has all the other indispensable qualities necessary to be president, including a trim waist, a strong jaw, sufficient vertical height, great hair, and a photogenic family consisting of numerous progeny. His greatest disadvantage is his oddball religion, and that will offput some evangelical extremists on the far right, whose beliefs are equally weird. But most of them will come around to voting for Romney, given the only other options — voting for Obama or staying home on election day.
The flavor of the day closest to Romney in the polls but still well behind is Rick Santorum. He’s an uber-devout Catholic who wants a constitutional amendment to define marriage as being between one man and one woman (won’t happen, no matter what). When asked what would happen to gay people who are already married once his chimerical amendment becomes part of the Constitution, his response is that, well, they won’t be married any more. He’s also said that gay marriage leads to polygamy (stop smiling, Mitt) and bestiality. And lots of other ridiculous things.
Then there’s Newt the Gingrich. Petty, vicious, angry, draft-dodging sore loser who considers himself the smartest guy in any room. To hear him tell it, like Forrest Gump he was present and involved in everything from writing the Magna Carta to inventing supply-side economics with Reagan and Laffer to winning the Cold War with Reagan and Thatcher, even though he was a snot-nosed back-bencher in the House of Representatives. He was also responsible for every good thing that happened during the Clinton era (never mind that he railed against Clinton’s affair while conducting a secret affair of his own). He also wants to put the Judicial Branch, including the Supreme Court, under the firm thumb of Congress. Newt may have a high IQ, as he never tires of trying to demonstrate, but as Forrest’s mom told him, “Stupid is as stupid does.”
And Ron Paul, the Libertarian who shouldn’t be on the same stage with Republicans. Close all overseas military bases, cut defense spending one trillion dollars now, hack the Fed apart, return to the gold standard, return the Republic to the early days of the Constitution, etcetera ad nauseum. Heavy sigh.
Finally there are Jon Huntsman and Rick Perry, both of whom barely register in the polls. Huntsman served President Obama as an ambassador somewhere, I think — maybe it was China, given that his speaking Chinese was the most cringe-worthy moment of the debate. Perry, that gun tottin’, coyote shootin’, memory lapsin’, good ol’ boy who would re-invade Iraq, make Congress part-time, and close half the government. Geez.
The greatest danger I see is that one of those non-Mitt yahoos will make a third-party run. If they do it well enough, they’ll ensure the re-election of Obama. Republicans couldn’t be that dumb, could they? Yep.
But if there’s going to be a third party, my dream ticket would be Drew Brees and Tim Tebow (he’s got the religion part covered). If you don’t know who they are, then you ain’t no American, podnuh! Move to Europe, where men not tough enough to play real football chase a round ball around a big field and take their shirts off if they score at least one point in a game, while wild-eyed insane fans try to destroy the stadium and beat everyone to death.
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