Voting Rights of the Unliving Must Be Protected No Less than Those of the Undead

February 20th, 2012

By Dan Miller

In a little reported but much appreciated Friday evening news dump, Attorney General Holder responded to recent statements that only 1.8 million dead people are registered to vote in the United States. He professed shock and profound dismay at the very small number.  In proclaiming the rights of the unliving, he confirmed that they retain all of the constitutional rights they had prior to becoming, often involuntarily and through no fault of their own, unliving.  As is only just, they must — and therefore will — also be accorded all constitutional rights subsequently created by the Federal Government and its courts. He promised that immediate steps are being and will continue to be taken to remedy all injustices against the unliving.

At General Holder’s request, the following public proclamation is hereby posted.

Proclamation of the Attorney General:

CoffinGirl Playing a TrumpetThat only 1.8 million dead people — the unliving — are registered to vote in United States elections is a national disgrace.  That is a pitifully small number in view of the massively greater number of unliving United States citizens whose voter registrations have been revoked, depriving them of their voting rights.  It amply demonstrates the irrational necrophobia that still infests the nation, despite my best efforts and those of many others to eradicate similarly invidious causes of discrimination.

The Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution provides,

All persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside.

The Twenty-Fourth Amendment to the United States Constitution provides,

The right of citizens of the United States, who are eighteen years of age or older, to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of age.

It has never been conclusively determined, judicially or otherwise, that the Constitution permits death, or governmental action based merely on one’s status as unliving, to rescind citizenship. Accordingly, to deny or otherwise to infringe upon the rights of the unliving, eighteen years old or older, to vote violates the Constitution.  Steps are therefore being taken as promptly as possible to require all states to restore all unliving citizens, eighteen years old or older, to the voting rolls from which they were unconstitutionally removed.

Some may argue, unpersuasively, that the unliving appear to be incapable of thought; some may be, but that hardly means that all or even many are.  Moreover, even if some of our unliving citizens may be incapable of thought they cannot on that basis be distinguished from the many undead citizens who exercise their electoral rights freely. It has never been conclusively determined that inability to think is a bar to voting, and to discriminate against the unliving in favor or the undead on that frivolous basis is as disgraceful as it is pernicious.

It is true that the unliving are physically unable unassisted to do some things, including getting to voting places.  But so are many of the differently enabled undead, who must be assisted in accordance with law.  For example,

Disabled Americans have a constitutionally protected fundamental right to vote, just like the rest of us. Beyond this constitutional protection, federal and state laws ensure access to voting places and systems. Election officials must comply with these regulations to avoid litigation. The law gives disabled voters the same opportunity to vote as able bodied citizens, even if extra assistance by election officials or poll workers is required. For example one election law expert suggested offering curb side voting for disabled voters administered by trained poll workers. In general, polling places and workers must be sensitive to the needs of the disabled and make good faith efforts to provide at least the minimum of statutorily defined accommodations at each site.

Just as disabilities involving confinement to a wheelchair or hospital bed cannot lawfully be allowed to prevent any undead citizen eighteen years old or older from voting, neither can unabilities, such as result from death, confinement in a coffin or in a memorial urn, lawfully be permitted to extinguish the voting rights of any citizen, unliving or undead. That the unabilities of some may be greater than those of others is not a legitimate basis for governments in the United States further to worsen them. Instead, it is a sound basis for eliminating the adverse consequences of their unabilities to the greatest extent humanly possible.

The unliving obviously find it not only inconvenient but impossible to obtain voter ID cards with (or without) photos, unlawfully required in some rogue states.  As I have often asserted, I will use to the best of my ability the high office of Attorney General of the United States to nullify those and comparably discriminatory requirements for all.

I have suggested to President Obama and — demonstrating once again his remarkable constitutional scholarship — he immediately agreed that the Federal Government will promptly arrange to exhume, or otherwise to retrieve from their urns and other depositories, all unliving United States citizens, eighteen years old or older, so that they can vote.  Those who do not desire to be exhumed or otherwise retrieved for that purpose can, of course, grant their informed consent to continued efforts to discriminate against them. I doubt that many will do so.

President Obama will soon issue an executive order postponing all federal, state and local elections until all of these necessary steps have been successfully implemented. To do otherwise would discriminate invidiously against the unliving and in favor of the undead. The process should take only a few years, probably until 2016, because most of the unliving are shovel ready. In the interim, the Congress will soon be dissolved due to the constitutional impossibility of holding congressional elections this year under an egregiously flawed system. The Executive Branch and the Federal Courts will continue to function because that is necessary for national security purposes as well as to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.

Notice:  The above is an attempt at satire and may be unentirely true.

(This article was also posted at Dan Miller’s Blog.)

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4 Responses to “Voting Rights of the Unliving Must Be Protected No Less than Those of the Undead”

  1. Tom Carter |

    Hmmm. I gave this a lot of thought. Well, some thought. I had to read it once, to be honest, to understand the complexity of it.

    If we’re going to give full rights to the unliving on an equal basis with the undead, how about the unborn? Couldn’t they tap out their votes in Morse code on the inside of their mommies’ tummies? Or would that put them at risk of being aborted if they voted the wrong way? Or what about the unliving who passed over before they were 18 but have passed their 18th unbirthday on the other side? Why should they be discriminated against? And how long can you be among the unliving and still have an equal vote? Would Crazy Horse get to vote for the politicians who oppose defense spending?

    OK, I’m finished. I need to take my meds.

  2. Dan Miller |

    Tom, the unborn presumably have not yet attained the ripe old age of eighteen. Hence, there is no constitutional requirement that they be permitted to vote, until they do. Those who died in infancy, upon attaining the age of eighteen, clearly must also be granted the franchise, as is their constitutional right.

    The unliving, upon attaining the age of eighteen, must be allowed to vote and accorded the rights noted in the article. There is no time limit, provided that the unliving were citizens of the United States when they entered the realm of the unliving. Should Crazy Horse be in that category, he is obviously entitled to the same. This is a bipartisan, non ideological reality.

    I have already taken my meds, and hope that yours work at least as well as did mine.

  3. Tom Carter |

    I have to somewhat disagree on the voting eligibility of the unborn. Since they haven’t been born yet, they don’t have birthdays, unless you want to start the clock at conception (c.f. Pope Benedict XLVIIZXV27, who unlike you and me is infallible). It would only seem fair that the unborn be credited with infinite age, elsewise we disadvantage them in favor of morons among the undead 18 years and older. In fact, since some of the unborn may turn out to be intelligent and hardworking, they will inevitably make more money than some among the undead, and therefore should be taxed from the point of conception. That’s only fair, and since we’re not supposed to have taxation without representation, they should be able to tap out their votes.

    I think your meds are working better than mine….

  4. Dan Miller |

    Once again, Tom, the Twenty-Fourth Amendment states,

    The right of citizens of the United States, who are eighteen years of age or older, to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or. . . .

    The word “birthday” is nowhere mentioned in the Constitution; that is merely a silly popular convention. As to “fairness,” that has nothing to do with proper constitutional interpretation. Insofar as unfairly advantaging morons among the undead who are or become of voting age, we frequently advantage morons of all ages.

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