Opinion Forum

Climate Change Is the Worst Peril Mother Earth Has Ever Faced

March 26th, 2012

It is everywhere and is the worst threat ever to everything. It is worse than all other horrors combined.

Demon climate change must be killed. If we don’t succeed — and Yes, We Can — the odds will soon become overwhelming to the point that even people who have never died before will die. We must prevent that at all costs.

There is no need to define climate change beyond that it is, like, you know, terrible and everywhere. And, just as Vice President Biden recently remarked that President Obama’s single-handed victory over bin Laden was the most audacious military operation in 500 years, the horrors of climate change are the greatest threat to life, Mother Earth, the Universe and everything in five billion years, at least. Those who do not accept this unquestioningly are unspeakably worse than the countless Birthers, members of the flat earth society and Republicans (please excuse the redundancy).

There are crucial steps that we must demand be taken now to avert total disaster.

ObamaCare must be expanded to apply with full force to Mother Earth.

Mother Earth is, as we all know, female. To deny even one of the benefits of ObamaCare to her advances the conservative war against all women; they must not succeed in this misogynist plot. Since it would be impossible for Mother Earth herself to buy health insurance or otherwise be further penalized (she is already penalized far more than she should be), it must be provided by our own government. Otherwise, the superior and far more enlightened World Government will have to assume that task along with many others which, due to the stinginess of the United States, it can not afford.

Leave oil and everything else in the ground where Mother Earth put them.

Mother Earth needs restorative and preventative health care because we have done so many vile things to her; she did not do any of those wicked things to herself! We remove “natural” gas from her innards in unnatural ways by administering undesired, uncomfortable and harmful enemas referred to, in misleading fashion, as “fracking” — what does that word remind us of? We drill deep holes in her to exploit her oil and dig deeply in her to exploit her coal. Then we sacrifice her stolen treasures to satisfy our own selfishly mis-perceived and grandiose desires. Those enemas, drills and excavation devices harm her incredibly and have been banned by the United Nations ~~Earth~~ Human Rights Commission; yet we continue to use them contrary to international law. Then, we use fuels that we have perversely stolen to refine iron and other stolen ore to use, along with stolen lumber from her trees, rocks and even sand from her otherwise pristine shores, to build luxurious houses and other structures to satisfy our vanities rather than needs. These are just a few of the reasons why we must halt all domestic use and production of “natural” gas, oil, coal and ore.

President Obama’s omniscient, but sadly as yet far less than omnipotent, administration recognizes the wisdom of this policy and has sought to implement it as well as possible despite being thwarted at every turn by the obstructionist Republican controlled Congress and their allied demons. It is good that President Obama is at least trying to force us to steal less from Mother Earth — things that she obviously needs for herself — and that President Obama’s brothers and sisters in arms are also compelling the closure of existing refineries by regulating them out of existence. We do not need them, and the higher gas, oil and gasoline prices climb the better for Mother Earth. Only President Obama’s exceptional modesty has ~~caused him to be less than candid~~ kept him from bragging about these monumentally historic advances.

Infinitely more still needs to be done.

There have already been at least a few good starts. The Rio +20 Summit, inadequate though it was, seems likely to have been a good start even though Rio was not an appropriate venue. Since it was wisely decided to engage the most oppressed and least engaged members of society, the Summit should have been held instead in a country where the people are the most oppressed and least engaged, where children are intimately familiar with the perils of starvation and poverty. The Democratic Peoples’ Republic of (North) Korea should have been chosen instead, for the reasons outlined in the linked article. But at least the goal of allowing those knowledgeable people who ~~infest~~ inhabit Mother Earth to be heard was encouraging.

Here are my economically prudent and otherwise necessary proposals, beyond even those noted above, to help Mother Earth to survive:

1. Effective means of sterilization, contraception and abortion must not only be made available free for all, their use must be encouraged at first and then soon made mandatory.

2. Free shoes, socks, wheelchairs, crutches, canes and cargo kites must be provided to all and the use of all fuel propelled devices to travel distances of less than fifteen miles must be made a federal felony and hence prohibited. Law enforcement personnel (but not malicious and racist community watch volunteers) would, of course, be exempt from such penalties as would all other government officials at all times.

3. As I noted here, almost a year ago,

Although fire may be thought to have beneficial uses, it can cause horrific problems beyond even the release of greenhouse gasses; it did so in the past and will again unless halted….

The solution is so simple that anyone, even a Librul cretin, can understand it: just say no to fire and all of its related demons. The infernal internal combustion engine uses fire; hence the name. In 2009, there were 30,797 fatal automobile crashes in the United States alone. The nuclear incidents in Japan and at Chernobyl, the Chicago fire, and the San Francisco fire combined produced fewer deaths. Even if all human death and suffering caused by man-made climate change were added to the total, the gross disparity would remain. A related opinion is presented here by John Sanbonmatsu, associate professor of philosophy at Worcester Polytechnic Institute. He argues that Al Gore knows best and that man-made climate change is the worst demon of all.

We have abundant sources of alternative energy. The unemployed should be put to work on treadmills (thereby diminishing unemployment and stimulating the economy); lots of electricity could be generated through their efforts. Federal support for the construction of hundreds of thousands of [cement] treadmills would create new industries and also help the economy greatly.

We also have alternative sources of transportation which rely neither directly nor indirectly on internal combustion: bicycles, rickshaws [both made from cement], horses, donkeys, and mules, for example. The federal government must support the manufacture of [cement] bicycles and rickshaws and provide mandatory classes on how best to use and care for horses, donkeys, and mules. (Cement clarification added)

Much more is needed, but even with a modest start such here proposed Mother Earth may yet survive a while longer. In time, the Church of Global Warming, greatly reformed under the guidance of St. Mani as interpreted by my altar ego, Bishop Dan, will prevail and there will be no need to be concerned about the survival of humans.

(This article was also posted at Dan Miller’s Blog.)

Articles written by Dan Miller
Tags: Al Gore, climate change, Earth, environment, gas, oil, Rio, satire, UN
Categories: Politics | Comments (0) | Home