Opinion Forum

BREAKING NEWS: Results of Supremes’ Friday ObamaCare Deliberations

April 1st, 2012

Shocking details revealed here Fast, Furiously, Exclusively and First,

TODAY ONLY!

Last Monday through Wednesday, the Supreme Court heard oral arguments on the constitutionality of ObamaCare and what to do if parts of it are unconstitutional. I tried to provide an instant analysis here, cautioning that we won’t know the final results until after the texts of the majority opinion and several concurring and dissenting opinions are released, possibly by the end of June. The Justices met in closed session on Friday, March 30th, to try to figure out who wants what and how to start writing it up.

We need wait no longer. Fortunately, I know the cousin of a highly reliable and well placed informant deeply embedded at the Supreme Court. For obvious reasons he, she or it must remain anonymous and will, for purposes of this article, be referred to only as “Bowels of the Court” (BC). BC’s cousin delivered a message written by BC very early this morning, April 1st. After reading the message, I gave BC’s cousin an appropriate honorarium that BC seemed likely to enjoy, along with my thanks, and asked that he deliver both for me. The situation is highly fluid and I feel under great pressure to share the news here immediately while it still remains exclusive to my blog.

Message from BC with only major spelling and grammar errors corrected to make it comprehensible; towards the end, the difficulty in making such corrections increased substantially.

I have long been employed at the Supreme Court as one of many sanitary engineers, toxic waste disposal specialists and other highly skilled janitors.

You couldn’t believe what a pigsty the secret cave where the Justices discuss court stuff gets to be while they work there. I have to hand it to them though, they are a really dignified bunch of old folks and I’ve never noticed any major bloodstains. Not even once. At least I don’t remember ever seeing any and my memory is real good.

On Friday, March 30th, it wasn’t my job to clean up the mess the Justices had left in their cave. Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. I had lots of other important hard work to do that day, like I nearly always do. I hardly ever get a chance to take a decent nap.

While rummaging through a trash dumpster in the Supreme Court basement late on Friday afternoon, hoping to find a bottle with a little good booze left in it, I found about a dozen quart size bottles. Every last one was the very best brand and every last one was empty! Not even a drop was left for me! There were just a few small chewed broccoli parts and some papers, lots of papers. Damn!

At first, I just glanced at the damn papers with hardly any interest, hoping that maybe I could at least find some jokes or other funny stuff. I’ve found old comic books there before but not this time. I did see something called Constitution of South Africa and it looked like someone had been scribbling on it furiously. I couldn’t read the scribbling or figure out whose it was so I didn’t pay any more attention to it. Besides that, there was mainly just lots of other scribblings and a bunch of it looked pretty strange.

I kept on digging and, to be as honest as always, looking for at least a little taste of booze. They done drunk it all, but down at the bottom of that dumpster I saw some crumpled pieces of yellow paper (I think they call them legal pads or something) with scribbles that looked sort of like the Chief Justice’s handwriting. I seen his handwriting once or twice before and sure do know what it looks like when I see it! It turned out to be a list of all them Justices with comments under each name. Some of the comments weren’t important — like “Grow up, stupid,” “Idiot,” “incompetent JERK,” [redacted by publisher] and that sort of stuff. I sure seen a heck of a lot of that there stuff before, let me tell you, and it doesn’t mean hardly nothing.

Unexpectedly, I found the final tallies their two, in four labeled columns. I jus added up the numbers in the “Constitutional,” “Unconstitutional,” “Salvage what we can” and “Off with it’s head” columns. I couldn’t find nothing to write with, so I just used my head for that. There was lots of scratch-throughs, but here is the final results as best I could figure then and can remember now. Honestly, I had a little small drop of cheap booze before I wrote the numbers down and added them up late Friday night. But don’t worry none, I wasn’t hardly drunk or nothin an I’m real good at rithmetic and think I’m probably about right.

Constitutional —————-4
Unconstitutional ————-5
Salvage what we can ——–7
Off with it’s head ————-2

From what I remembers, it looks like Justice Thomas will get to write a majority opinion, Justice Kagan will rite a dissentin opinion and everybody else gona write concurring, dissenting, sorta dissenting, maybe sorta concurring opinions and whatever. At least that’s what I thinks.

Let me tell you rite now, I’m gonna take time off when they Justices finally gets back together to fight about them draft opinions! There cave will be a real heck of a mess before them finish and the chanses of findin any bottles with even a drops of decent booze left will be Zero!

So there you have it, straight from the horse’s mouth. Not even the National Enquirer has published this deeply sourced, highly reliable and utterly shocking new information yet.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming revealing more exclusive and shocking details about the incredible circumstances surrounding Trayvon Martin’s killing, medical advances in curing ingrown toenails and cancer and all the other breaking news that fits in print.

Last minute update and legal notice. This was demanded by my highly respected attorney/lawn care specialist:

Be advised that none of the facts herein asserted by an anonymous source have been independently verified by the author of this article or by anyone else. Accordingly, the statement of the anonymous source, known only as BC, may contain misstatements of fact and or opinion, probably well intentioned but possibly misguided nonetheless. Therefore, reasonable care must, as always, be exercised in repeating such statements to others or in any way relying upon their absolute veracity.

I do not think that any disclaimer of that sort is needed, but since I rely completely on him to deal with legal matters while taking care of my lawn I decided to include it.

(This article was also posted at Dan Miller’s Blog.)

Articles written by Dan Miller
Tags: breaking news, decision, source, Supreme Court, unconstitutional, vote
Categories: Law, News, Politics | Comments (3) | Home

3 Responses to “BREAKING NEWS: Results of Supremes’ Friday ObamaCare Deliberations”

larry | April 1st, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Slick Dan
Thanks for your excellent recounting of the information furnished by BC. Are you sure you don’t mean BS? I’ve been told they look alike.
I enjoy your writing. Apparently we have lost some readers judging from the number of comments being submitted.

Dan Miller | April 1st, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Thanks Larry.

My inside source could, I suppose, have been identified with the initial BS, standing for Booze Seeker, perhaps Below the Court or Bug*er the Supremes. Still BC, for Bowels of the Court, seemed more pertinent to his place of work.

mike mccoy | April 3rd, 2012 at 6:56 pm

I think this was a fairly entertaining article, and I would bet(judging from past SCOTUS decisions) that it is not too far removed from fact. They must be drinking something or smoking the green to come up with some of the rulings they have. I personally do not hold them in much regard.