Opinion Forum

Breaking News from the Obama 2012 Campaign

May 31st, 2012

The First Lady is a true royal princess. She demands that we all make difficult choices just as she must do daily. Let’s all help her out.

Yesterday, I received this urgent e-mail from First Lady Obama (FLO). All, from the lowest to the highest, have been asked to help her.

Friend –

Here it is, straight up:

Tomorrow’s a big fundraising deadline.

It’s a simple equation, really: What we put into this campaign is what we’ll get out of it.

Please chip in $3 or whatever you can afford before tomorrow’s deadline:

https://donate.barackobama.com/May-Deadline

I’m ready to work, and I hope you are, too.

Thank you — and see you out there,

Michelle

FLO’s promise to work is no less inspiring than the straightforward candor of her refreshing message: “what we put into this campaign is what we’ll get out of it.” She forced me to ponder: how ready am I to work, of course, but mainly what do sweet Julia and I want out of this campaign? What’s in it for us? That’s far more important than anything we could do ever for our country. President Obama is fully in charge. He is an historic President with countless unprecedented accomplishments to his credit, an expert in all matters, a specialist in all specialties and all things to all people no less than is McDonald’s. Since we have him, the nation needs no help from us. Our country may possibly have needed our help in the bad old days, but that it might even now is a foolish notion. FLO has done her very best to wean us away from it while helping us to feel ashamed of the country before President Obama came and blessed her. The question now is, “what can we do for President Obama and what will he do to for us in return.”

Unable to donate as generously as do contributors who already know full well what they want and can budget their contributions in proportion to what they know they will get in return, I have no choice but to aim lower. In a bleak future without President Obama, would little Julia and I no longer be entitled to everything for nothing? Perhaps, so my question comes down to “how low can I go and still get something?” What if I donate a whole dollar and generously insist that President Obama keep the change? Less than one dollar but more than fifty cents? Twenty-five cents and no change? How much will I have to donate for a change of White House occupier?

The permutations are too many and the matters too complex to analyze fully and fairly in the face of today’s deadline, so I’ll miss yet another opportunity to help Win the Future by going ever forward. I’m very sorry, FLO, but I must pass. But you just go ahead and move forward. Please. We look forward to the changes that will bring.

Critical Update:

President Obama, not wanting FLO to do all the hard work, sent his very own personal e-mail to me today. It says,

Friend –

Think about this: Today, our opponent is facing the same fundraising deadline we are.

But the people I’m counting on at this crucial moment could not be more different.

He’s relying on high-powered special-interest groups and a TV personality who’s spent the last week questioning where I was born.

Our campaign is built by millions of ordinary Americans chipping in what they can, when they can.

Will you help out before midnight? Make a donation of $3 or more right now:

https://donate.barackobama.com/Deadline-Tonight

Thank you, as always.

Barack

It is deeply touching that although Governor Romney must rely on “high-powered special-interest groups and a TV personality who’s spent the last week questioning where I was born,” President Obama has no need for and does not want special interest funding because his “campaign is built by millions of ordinary Americans chipping in what they can, when they can.”

From glittering Broadway to shining Hollywood and everywhere in between, President Obama blesses his people with the true happiness that can come only from supporting him. “The 150 donors who [paid] … $40,000 to attend Clooney’s dinner will no doubt feel newly invigorated….” Doubtless much of their newly felt invigoration comes from knowledge of the service they rendered unto him. President Obama himself must be newly invigorated, secure in the knowledge that since he needs to devote hardly any time and effort to mere campaigning and fund raising, he has ample time for his official Presidential duties. Let us all give special thanks to all of the non-special interest groups who contribute unselfishly and unstintingly to his campaign coffers.

(This article was also posted at Dan Miller’s Blog.)

Articles written by Dan Miller
Tags: Barack, fundraising, Marie Antoinette, Michele, satire, special interests
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