Opinion Forum

EPA to Issue New Safety Rules for U.S. Flags

September 20th, 2012

Top news of the day from CONS (Combined Obama News Services): United States flags must be safe for all.

Due to reports that an innocent Pakistani youth was mortally sickened by toxic fumes from a United States flag while peacefully burning it, the Environmental Protection Agency is quickly preparing new rules to ensure that all U.S. flags are safe to burn. Ben Dover, the Chief of the Flammable Substances Division at the EPA, stated:

Flag burning is a recognized medium of free expression and this action will again demonstrate to our Muslim friends that we fully support their rights of free speech.

Sheik Mohammad Ali Baba, a noted humanitarian and proponent of wealth redistribution also known as the Deaf Sheik, applauded this development and made his own powerful gesture of peaceful cooperation in return.

The failure of the Great Satan to take this obvious step years ago is inexcusable and many of our beloved martyrs have been killed or injured due to its callous disregard for the health and safety of our people — indeed, of people across the entire world. However, by yielding to our protests over the Great Satan’s policies the United States has once again demonstrated that our overwhelming strength has triumphed over its abject weakness. Therefore, we applaud the action, belated though it is, and will demonstrate our appreciation by burning more of its wicked flags.

President Obama immediately took time away from his incredibly busy schedule to offer to meet with the Deaf Sheik in the Oval Office as soon as the Sheik can find time for the meeting, which will be held at his convenience. To accommodate the Sheik, President Obama promised to keep his schedule open and to dispatch his own personal airplane, Air Farce One, as soon as the Sheik ~~demands~~ requests it.

In a statement issued by the White House President Obama said,

I am proud and humbled by the fruits now being born of my historic efforts to bring peace to the Middle East, torn by strife and violence directed against the United States until I assumed my position as your President in 2009. This innovation by my Environmental Protection Agency is just one of our most recent such steps and has been warmly received throughout the region.

As my own gesture of appreciation for Sheik Mohammad Ali Baba’s generous words of peace, I have directed the Environmental Protection agency additionally to prohibit the use of fire retardant chemicals in all of our proud flags and to expedite the approval of its rule making process to ensure that the new rules are adopted and become effective within ten days.

I have also ordered the General Services Administration to purchase the first twenty thousand United States flags manufactured in compliance with the new rules and to deliver them to the State Department for immediate distribution, at no charge, to deserving citizens of Muslim countries. Since we are currently in a trade dispute with the Peoples’ Republic of China, none of the flags to be purchased by the GSA are to be acquired from Chinese manufacturers. These purchases by the GSA will create at least eight hundred and fifty new jobs and hence help further to reduce our already declining unemployment rate.

In response, President Obama’s principal challenger, Mittens Romney, whined in a political announcement paid for by his greedy millionaire accomplices that the President’s actions were further evidence of his misguided and counterproductive foreign and domestic policies.

President Obama’s forceful and decisive action was widely reported by all of the significant media and his already substantial lead over his challenger increased by twelve points nation-wide and by fourteen points in the “swing states.”

Strictly non-partisan, we consistently strive to present news in the best interest of our beloved nation and never to harm her by biased reporting. We can truthfully and fairly state that we and the entire nation look forward to the many additional historic improvements in our relations with Muslim nations that President Obama’s leadership is certain to bring during his necessary second term in office.

(This article was also posted at Dan Miller’s Blog.)

Articles written by Dan Miller
Tags: burning, EPA, flag, fumes, Muslim, Obama, satire, terrorism
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