Opinion Forum

Advance Information on President Obama’s Wednesday Debate Remarks

October 2nd, 2012

Due to his great appreciation of things foreign, President Obama will channel a famous German on Wednesday. It is unknown whether he intends thereafter to ask German Chancellor Merkel for foreign aid.

The Very Honorable I.M. Totus, the former Teleprompter of the United States who has provided much useful and occasionally even valid information about goings on at the White House, today gave me a copy of the old Edison cylinder that President Obama has been studying intensely during his debate preparation. Mr. Totus assured me that it will provide the basic thrust of the President’s remarks during the Wednesday debate.

Finding that recording difficult to understand, President Obama insisted as well on a newer recording because he wanted to master it completely.

Doktor Eisenbarth (March 27, 1663 – November 11, 1727) was a successful and highly popular surgical genius whose persona and mode of operation have greatly influenced President Obama’s first term in office.

Eisenbarth was an oculist and barber-surgeon who specialized in treatment of cataracts, calculus surgery, and the treatment of bone fractures. His grandfather and father were also surgeons, and much of Eisenbarth’s medical knowledge was learned from his brother-in-law. Although, he was referred to as “Dr. Eisenbarth”, he had no medical doctorate, nor was he officially appointed to the title. Despite this, he was considered a skilled surgeon, and was bestowed with privileges by German royalty.

Eisenbarth was a “travelling surgeon”, and his journeys took him throughout most of Germany. He usually travelled with a large entourage of up to 120 persons. This group included entertainers, harlequins and musicians who performed in a carnival-like atmosphere while Eisenbarth plied his trade. This spectacle drew large crowds, and the loud music and revelry helped drown out the cries of pain from his patients.

The old cylinder (as supplemented by the newer recording) of the once popular song about the beloved doktor reveals that he was a master of such cures as making the blind to walk and the lame not only to see but to talk. President Obama has done that and more for our domestic and foreign policies.

A few of Doktor Eisenbarth’s other miraculous cures are provided here, in various translations of various versions of the song. This one is from Text 3.

At Ulm i gave a jab for pox,
The man´s blood ran right to his socks.
This vaccination stunt’s a hit,
My needle is a roasting spit.
The sexton’s son at Dideldum
I gave ten pounds of opium.
He fell asleep; years passet away,
And still he sleeps until this day.
In Vienna once a man wars ill.
His hollow tooth I cured with skill,
I took my gun and blasted it.
Good Lord, he’s never felt so fit!

Doktor Eisenbarth’s heroic advances in medical care had been the world’s most important until the coming of President Obama’s own advance, the immensely popular ObamaCare. It is, therefore, natural that ~~Doktor~~ President Obama feels the desire, as well as the need, to emulate him during the debate. Taking his cue from the great doktor, President Obama will explain — one hopes in verse and with dignified musical accompaniment — how he brought about the great economic recovery the United States are now experiencing, the marvels of ObamaCare and, should he have an opportunity to mention foreign policy, the tremendous strides in world peace — particularly in the Middle East and Mexico — that his cures have brought forth.

His many accomplishments have been of Earth shaking importance and his success during the debate will depend on the effectiveness of his presentation as perceived by our greatest national treasure, the ~~paid for~~ free and fair media (they “are the ones who tell our story to us”). Should he do as well as expected, there will be no need to watch or to hold the remaining debates; Governor Romney is expected to concede the race at the end of the first debate. Multiple public opinion polls, as reliable as we could possibly expect them to be (“the response rate of a typical telephone survey was 36% in 1997 and is just 9% today”), would dictate this result even if President Obama appeared at the podium stoned with friends from his old Choom gang and sang passages from Das Kapital. That won’t happen, of course, and President Obama will win at least six hundred of the five hundred and thirty-eight electoral votes to ensure that his mandate is overwhelming.

What further great wonders can we expect during his next terms as our President with such a popular mandate! Perhaps even our now terminally ill and dysfunctional Congress will recover and cooperate in peace and tranquility to do his will.