Next Debate – President Obama Will Win with the Help of TOTUS

October 6th, 2012

By Dan Miller

totus_sealTOTUS will overcome all potential difficulties.

Due to President Obama’s less than exemplary performance at the Wednesday night debate, serious concerns have been raised that not providing him even one single teleprompter was unfair. It was unfair, particularly in view of his great reliance on TOTUS. The truth is that President Obama needs a teleprompter at all times, even during his solitary morning meditations on the throne in the family bathroom. Governor Romney, on the other hand, neither needs nor uses one for any purpose. Their styles are very different and for the debate to have favored Governor Romney’s style as grossly as it did was not only racist but otherwise harmful to the nation. Depriving President Obama of this presidential necessity was obviously due to a right-wing conspiracy and cannot be permitted again. The results were as they wanted them to be, a draw or at best an uncertain victory for President Obama.


It is true that President Obama has occasionally been misled by teleprompters, but as my confidential source, the Very Honorable I.M. Totus, patiently explained, those were inferior teleprompters maliciously left at the White House by President Obama’s predecessor. Indeed, one of them could not even manage to function adequately at a family dinner back in 2009.

Nevertheless, Mr. Totus affirmed that with a well vetted, loyal and experienced TOTUS such as himself and an even modestly competent operator (indeed, anyone other than DNC Chairperson Debbie Wasserman-Schultz), President Obama will do far better in the next debate.  Unlike on Wednesday evening, it will not be necessary for him to think on his feet. Nor will he have an opportunity to look down at them, see his reflection in the shine on his shoes and be mesmerized by it.  Instead, he will simply gaze with confidence upon TOTUS, comfortable in the knowledge that no matter how hazardous the situation may become TOTUS will rescue him from it.

President Obama is not accustomed to thinking — even while standing around waiting for some fool to finish jabbering — and has lots of other people to do it for him. During the next debate, the operator and TOTUS will listen to the questions and take just a little bit of time to mull over the best possible answers. President Obama knows very well how to mumble while stalling for time and will easily utter something gracious but innocuous –  “Thank you very much for that question.  I had been hoping it would be asked during this highly important debate on … uh ….” By then, TOTUS will have the best possible answer ready, flash what the debate is about on the screen so that President Obama can finish his delaying sentence, and then provide the answer to the question for President Obama to read, with great feeling, spontaneity and sincerity. If the question cannot be answered helpfully to his campaign, a suitable answer to some other question will be provided. That will work perfectly, just as it has in the past, because the lack of substance and relevance of the answer will be hidden in the brilliant yet comforting afterglow of the way in which it was phrased.

Mr. Totus further explained that if he were not able to assist President Obama in this manner, the cover picture even for Mother Jones (a right-wing but nevertheless remarkably neutral observer of the political scene) may be a repeat of the far right-wing New Yorker cover scheduled for October 15th.

Obama New Yorker

That cannot be permitted. It would destroy President Obama’s national and international stature as a world leader, as well as that of the great nation he has led so brilliantly until now and must continue to lead to her glorious destiny.

(This article was also posted at Dan Miller’s Blog.)

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One Response to “Next Debate – President Obama Will Win with the Help of TOTUS”

  1. useurheadpolitics |

    This is hilarious! Great job.

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