Everyone Must be Fair, Honest, Reasonable and Use Common Sense. Like Me.

February 4th, 2013

By Dan Miller

Thus spake our Beloved Lord and Master.


King Fair and Reasonable I

This is another guest post by one of the most enlightened Libruls in Congress, Senator Ima Librul (D., Unicorn)

Being Fair, Honest, and Reasonable when using Common Sense is crucial.

President Obama is the most fair and reasonable President endowed with true common sense ever to grace the White House with his munificence; he and all of my honorable colleagues who have had the good fortune to meet him agree.

Lord Eric of Justice

Lord Eric of Justice

Shortly after assuming office, his Attorney General observed that sadly misguided souls, racist conservatives all, had not yet submitted to reeducation an honest discussion about race. He was correct. Only when they become fair, reasonable and honest and use true common sense (like Libruls) will racism be vanquished. Instead, they continue to reject our values and to adhere to their vile racist ways. I hope this short essay will show them the way to the truth, true wisdom and understanding they so desperately need to become patriotically useful Americans.

Words are often used improperly and hence are misunderstood.

Words need to reflect life’s realities. Sadly, too many fail to understand words as King Reasonable I, his Queen, Lords and Ladies would have us understand, accept and use them. When they do as we hope they will, our dream that everyone will join our ranks in transforming society for the betterment of all can be realized.

Lord John of Cambodia

Lord John of Cambodia

How more fairly and reasonably to bring about the common sense changes we believe in than by modifying the ways that words are understood and hence the ways that people think? We need to make the process so simple that even the dullest and most reluctant masses will realize how much better off they and their friends will be once the changes we have been promoting have been made. For us to succeed they must reject all blather from hateful and untruthful obstructionists who selfishly try to mislead the weak of mind and spirit into believing that our necessary changes are so harmful that few sentient beings could want them. Since we bringers of truth, light and progressive change — selfless servants of the public all — will benefit greatly from them so will everyone else. I tell you with all possible humility that recognition of that and acceptance of the rest of our true wisdom provides the most fair, honest and reasonable road map that common sense could possibly offer.

Here are just a few examples of the meanings of words that we must all now accept so that everyone can soon enjoy new and happier lives.

Word or phrase and approved meaning:

Affordable Care Act (aka ObamaCare): A statute intended to change improve health care for all. Private insurance companies falsely insisted that they could provide better care at lower cost and, due to obstructionist Republicans and their followers, the masses will no longer be able to afford it without adoption of the superior Governmentally provided alternative we wanted in the first place. As the masses come to understand that they were misled, there will be great rejoicing throughout the land at the adoption of our far superior government provided alternative, all to help the masses. Mainly, of course, the helpless little children.

Assault weapon: A frightening and dangerous device intended to terrify the poor and disenfranchised victims of society who want only what they should rightly have. In non-governmental hands, such weapons unfairly benefit those who have oppressed the poor and needy and will continue to do so until banned and confiscated. As I observed here,

Some burglars, robbers and others may desire something beyond their fair shares of unfairly assigned property. That is progressive and therefore good. Their rights of free choice must be respected because they are guaranteed by the same sections of the Constitution that guarantee free condoms and abortifacients for all. To do otherwise would infringe upon their sacred constitutional rights, something which a world class constitutional scholar such as President Obama would never permit.

Climate change: Environmental disasters caused by rich and rapacious oil barons insistent upon killing innocent Muslims to steal their oil to sell at obscene profits to enrich themselves while impoverishing everyone else and damaging our national security. Those who disturb Mother Gaia’s sacred body to harvest her precious coal and convert it into deadly carbon dioxide and other noxious chemicals for unconscionable financial gain are no less to blame for the horrors of climate change.

Constituent service: Assistance generously provided to constituents and others without unfair discrimination based on district or state of residence so that they can vote freely for, and otherwise show their gratitude to, otherwise impoverished members of Congress.

Constitutional scholar: Best illustrated by the example of President Obama. His experiences as President of the Harvard Law Review and later as a community organizer gave him vast insights into our truly flexibile Constitution, a living document which his criminally deceitful opponents want to murder. They would leave only its cold, lifeless carcass to be examined, as one would tea leaves, by stingy small-minded judges and others.

Democracy: A system to modify popular opinion to ensure public demand for whatever wise and humanitarian initiatives the Government may want in order to benefit all. See also “Mainstream Media.”

Equality: Taking from those who already have too much to buy the votes of assist in their generations hours of need those long cheated by society, for as long as they want need it.

Fair: Everything sought by President Obama and his humanitarian colleagues.

Fair share: That is what everyone receives through the redistribution of resources from those who foolishly waste them on non-governmentally directed expenditures and other worthless capitalistic follies to those who will use them equitably in socially beneficial ways.

Freedom: The right, desire and ability to do as ordered requested by the Government.

Gun control: Controlling those who selfishly consider their own safety and pleasure more important than the well being and safety of the impoverished masses longing to be free, who fairly and reasonably desire to be protected from their oppressors so that they too may enjoy safety and prosperity.

Hate speech: Words deemed offensive to members of disadvantaged classes whom it makes common sense to protect, including Blacks, Hispanics, Homosexuals, Transsexuals, Women, Democrats and Islamists. The following, who might otherwise belong to a protected class, are excluded from membership: White Heterosexual Males, Conservatives, Republicans, the Military and a few others. The wisdom of these exclusions is obvious because the excluded undesirables do not love America and therefore do not deserve such protections.

Healthy food: Properly nutritious and enjoyable food. Regardless of how poorly educated and therefore sadly unhealthy people — particularly children, for whom Government has the primary responsibility — may mistakenly think it tastes, healthy food is wisely approved by Government experts such as our gracious Queen Fair and Reasonable. It is therefore not only good for them but yummy. Uncultivated tastes must be rooted out and replaced with proper ones, a necessary and proper function of Government.

Obama Antoinette

Our Gracious Queen Fair and Reasonable

Honest: A Liberal who avoids getting caught doing things he shouldn’t do about which the rogue media might blather. All Liberals are honest, despite any false impressions to the contrary.

Immigration reform: The only fair and reasonable way to eliminate all vestiges of illegal voting while simultaneously promoting the equality of man (and others) by granting citizenship and legal voting status to all undocumented immigrants and those who come after them, as quickly as possible and in any event before the next election.

Israel: The only imperialist enclave on Earth where apartheid, racism and religious intolerance are required by an illegitimate government and continuously practiced.

Labor unions: The salvation of all working people everywhere, they help capitalists as well as retrograde state and local governments to provide fair and reasonable wages along with common sense benefits fairly and honestly negotiated. Unfortunately, the NLRB has for too long kept them in check and that must end so that all who wish to join and prosper will be free to do so.

Liberal: A person of the highest intelligence who, having once made up his superior mind, has no need to pay attention to anyone who disagrees, obviously a demented and less intelligent person. Note: “Librul” is sometimes used as a synonym for “Liberal.”

Mainstream Media: Providing all the news and views that are fit to print or broadcast, based on the desires of a loving Government that has only the best interests of all its subjects people at heart.

Military forces, U.S.: In our previously unenlightened society, the mission of the military was to kill people and break things. In our new, happier and highly enlightened society, those beastly entertainments for neanderthal-like baby-killers in uniform (as our hero, Secretary of State Lord John of Cambodia might put it) are no longer tolerated and are being eliminated. The military is therefore becoming a proper substitute for the Peace Corpse in places made dangerous by the inhumane practices of previous administrations.

Muslim Brotherhood: A free and democratic manifestation of the only true Religion of Peace, properly supported in common sense ways as only a fair and reasonable Government can and will. President Obama has done a masterful job of outreach to Islamists over irrational conservative objections, but much more must be done to erase all stigmas unfairly cast upon them and kindred spirits by the previous administration and by conservatives in general. Our next President, Hillary Clinton, has humbly acknowledged that it is the fault of the United States that under prior administrations we had no culturally effective ways to explain ourselves. We must all help to undo what was so wrongly done.

Poverty: The result of climate change, unfairness, racism and the gross absence of common sense, against which the Obama Administration would be making even more dramatic headway if not for obstructionist tea lovers, other conservatives and even the fortunately dwindling numbers of reactionary Republicans.

Power: What our public servants, elected and unelected, need to make the entire Earth a better place where dancing Unicorns happy people can live and prosper as directed.

Public education: Teaching the young to think properly, to understand the past evils wrought by the United States, to relish all changes now being made by the Government and hence to approve and enjoy obeying whatever orders guidance it, in its great wisdom, shall issue.

Racist: Anyone who disagrees with the humane and post-racial initiatives through which President Obama is bringing all of the advantages of multicultural enlightenment to our beleaguered shores.

Religion of Peace:  The only religion that seeks to bring true peace and understanding to all, no matter how much pain and anguish its adherents may suffer or cause in the process. See also Muslim Brotherhood.

Reasonable: What the Government and its loyal vassals public servants deem logical and good.

Rights: Privileges granted by Government and subject to withdrawal when convenient.

Right wing nuts: Ill informed racists who use words and phrases other than as they should be used.

Rule of law: The situation that prevails when non-Federal entities do as directed by the the Executive Branch of the Federal Government.

Separation of powers: Keeping all branches of Government that oppose Executive initiatives as far away from power as possible.

State: An archaic, inferior, non-Federal quasi-governmental subdivision fortunately made irrelevant by the Constitution.

Sustainability: Making Government policies endure through fair laws, regulations, policies and taxes to relieve those made unsuccessful by society’s unfairness.

Terrorism: Any act of violence, as well as any act governmentally perceived as potentially violent, by a non-Islamist. Toy guns and pictures of guns are terrorist weapons because they scare true patriots such as many public school teachers and administrators.

Workplace violence: Any (fortunately thus far unknown) act of violence by an Islamist.

With this handy lexicon, it should be easier than ever before to understand the meanings of statements of those in, and hoping to be in, Government and hence joyfully to comprehend and honor their just and reasonable requests demands.

Here are some additional observations from my fellow Liberals, with whom all should agree:

Here are some insightful illustrations of how to argue with a conservative:

This video illustrates the dangers of abandoning the Democrat Plantation. Those who unwisely and selfishly do that join the vast right wing conspiracy and become racists to the very core.

Finally, here is an impassioned letter said to be from an exceptionally intelligent and well informed Liberal.

For an autographed and convenient pocket size copy of this article to carry wherever you go, please send ten dollars or more (food stamps not accepted) and a large stamped envelope to:

Senator Ima Librul
1234 Ho Chi Min Trail
Freedomville, Utopia 19025

(This article was also posted at Dan Miller’s Blog.)

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