Opinion Forum

The Government’s in the Very Best of Paws

February 27th, 2013

Recognizing his superior wisdom, President Obama has delegated all tasks that involve governing to First Dog Bo. Peace in our time is finally coming.

Down, Barry! I’ve got work to do.

Anyone with two or more family dogs recognizes that, in many ways, they are wiser than humans. When a weak dog encounters a possibly hostile strong dog, he does not fight or even try to run away. Instead, he rolls over on his back to expose his soft underbelly and may wag his tail, universally understood signs of wishful trust and hence of submission. Our new Secretary of Defense (along with most other administration officials) will, of course, be subordinate to First Dog Bo, as had been Secretary Panetta unofficially.

Bo on the Military

Aided by the ~~opportunities provided by~~ ravages of Sequester, the Navy is leading the way as shown here. The linked article at Nebraska Energy Observer has this photo of Navy aircraft carriers lined up, submissively, in a row at a Navy dock in Norfolk, Virginia. Aircraft carriers cannot conveniently roll over onto their backs and wag their rudders so this, sadly, is the best they can do.

This strategy is not new, having been tried with battleships rather than aircraft carriers in Hawaii in 1941. It didn’t work very well for the battleships on December 7, 1941, but perhaps using aircraft carriers this time instead will turn out better. Besides, times have changed; Japan is no longer our ~~principal~~ enemy and, due to President Obama’s Smart foreign policy resets, we now have very few if any.

NOTE: The same article also provides a photo of a Russian Bear (strategic) Bomber designed to carry thermonuclear devices flying over our Pacific Territory of Guam. Contrary to the suggestion in the linked article that its motives may have been hostile, they were plainly humanitarian. Well aware of Guam’s danger of tipping over, capsizing and spilling everyone there into the sea, the Russians were simply looking for signs that the tipping point was approaching so that Russian rescue ships and personnel could be the first responders to assist in rescue efforts. Only for such humanitarian purposes have our principal allies, Russia and China, been augmenting their military establishments.

Although far better qualified to become the Secretary of Defence than was Mr. Hagel, Congressman Johnson reluctantly bowed to administration pressure and did not make an issue of it following a chat with Bo.

Bo on Gun Control

In furtherance of his wise policies, and in support of the Administration’s splendid domestic gun control initiative, Bo will soon implement gun control in the U.S. military overseas no less universal and stringent than that to be imposed on U.S. civilians domestically. (Military personnel stationed in the United States may need their firearms should gun control get out of hand, so they will — at least for the immediate future — keep them.) All U.S. military assault weapons overseas — including crew served assault weapons of all types and however deployed — will be confiscated and sold to our friends in the Muslim Brotherhood and Islamic Jihad.

In places where militarily necessity requires, confiscated military assault weapons may be replaced with rape whistles, intentionally dulled scissors and, in extreme cases, slingshots. Such armaments will be issued only at the direction of the commanding general at Division or higher level.

These modest steps will in no way diminish the combat effectiveness of the U.S. Military overseas — even in the unlikely event of hostile actions by our few remaining potential enemies such as Israel — because President Obama has agreed to take even hours away from his critically important presidential campaigning functions to prepare an instructional video for military personnel serving overseas. Presenting — as only he can — the fine art of skeet shooting, it will rely on the assistance of skeet volunteers as targets; two have volunteered, probably more than enough.

The ~~Muslim Brotherhood~~ Arab Spring Chorus responded favorably to Bo’s ~~barking mad~~ brilliant initiatives.

Bo’s initiatives will also, for the first time in history, give peace a chance.

When fully implemented, these grand plans will also provide additional funding for fair, reasonable and common sense solutions to domestic social problems, particularly those unfairly affecting our soon-to-be-lawful new residents and citizens. Additional funds will also be available for investment in worthy infrastructure projects including mosques and Islamist charter schools.

Whatever doubts there may once have been about the future of our country can now be put aside with total confidence in our future. Bo shall lead the way. Three cheers for Bo and the Great Obama who appointed him!

(This article was also posted at Dan Miller’s Blog.)

Articles written by Dan Miller
Tags: Bo, first dog, gun control, Islam, Military, Obama, peace, satire, skeet
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