Shocking Revelation: RINOs Agree to Kill Deadly Austerity Beast

March 9th, 2013

By Dan Miller

Innocent children, poor and minorities have been the worst hit.

Bugblatter beastOn Wednesday, President Obama dined with a dozen congressional Republicans at an unpretentious little restaurant in a Washington, D.C. ghetto. His purpose was to show them how badly the poor, minorities — and particularly little children — have already been scarred, perhaps for life, by the Ravenous Bugblatter Austerity Beast of Traal. Even the dreams of little children that they might visit Barack’s Barracks the White House this Spring have been dashed, viciously.

Showing the determined leadership and frugality all have learned to expect from him, President Obama rode to the restaurant in a modestly assembled twenty vehicle convoy with the bare minimum of Secret Service agents along to protect him. His golf clubs traveled separately in an armored personnel carrier at the rear of the procession. (Hat tip to Tarpon’s Swamp for the video.)  

Success of the dinner meeting was so important to President Obama that we he picked up the tab, another in his unbelievable historic firsts. He began by asking all present to bow as he led them in prayer seeking Gaia’s divine guidance to help all members of the Congress to vote in favor of his comprehensive yet bipartisan immigration and Continuing Resolution reforms.

Here is a photo of the Jefferson Hotel restaurant where they dined. Having to dine with Republican congresspersons, particularly in a restaurant named after a slave owner, was degrading enough. For him to do it in such unpleasant surroundings would once have been unthinkable. With austerity it has become commonplace.

Jefferson Hotel

It must nevertheless be acknowledged that all present exhibited the true courage and intestinal fortitude for which they have long been revered.

The menu was a dumpster diver’s fantasy:

Lobster bisque (condemned by the Surgeon General);
Day old caviar;
Filet Soy Mignon marinated in arugula extract;
Diet cupcakes (decorations believed to resemble Army personnel had been removed).

Our own gracious First Lady Michele prepared President Obama for the evening meal by serving tofu and home-grown arugula in a hearty salad for lunch. Sated, he took only a few small nibbles at what was placed before him at the restaurant while doing his presidential best to convince his dining companions that the Ravenous Austerity Beast had already gone too far and must be killed. With sadness, he reported that his Attorney General had informed him that since an ancestor of the Austerity Beast was on the Protected Species list, the Constitution forbids a drone strike. Our congresspersons expressed understanding and were shocked to learn that, unless it can be done in some lawful manner, the homely fare on which they were then dining could become commonplace throughout the nation and even at their own little Cafeteria on the Hill. Indeed, should the Presidential Family vacation as anticipated this Summer in Martha’s Vineyard, they — including even his own little children — might have no choice but to dine in similarly unpleasant and unhealthy ways.

mass-starvationAs their wretched meal progressed, President Obama showed the shocked congresspersons this photograph depicting the dire consequences their own calumnies had already wrought upon our nation’s innocent youth. He warned that they could expect to see many — even more disturbing — photos on the evening news beginning on Monday unless there were prompt and widespread Republican agreement to a new five year continuing resolution. He demanded that it incorporate reasonable, common sense and balanced annual investment and revenue enhancements with baseline augmentations predicated on inflation (specially recalculated to include the anticipated costs of fuel and food) plus ten percent. He acquiesced in a request that the CR permit annual congressional efforts to repeal any current year’s baseline augmentations by super majority vote of three fourths of all members of Congress. His acquiescence may have been prompted by a suggestion that if he did not agree partisan objections might be raised to his further postponement of the presentation of his own budget to April 8th. In any event, with the President’s bipartisan concession on what might otherwise have been a sticking point, all agreed. They also agreed to his common sense but ingeniously bipartisan and comprehensive immigration reform plan.

In all other respects as well, our congresspersons responded favorably as President Obama had known they would.

“Last night’s dinner with President Obama and my Republican colleagues was productive and substantive. I hope it will serve as the beginning of a new, long-overdue paradigm where people in elected office actually begin talking to each other about meaningful issues,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.).

“The discussions with the President about our long-term budget problems were candid and differences in philosophy were apparent. However, also apparent was common ground on how to move forward,” he added. “One thing I am certain of — the perpetual campaign will not solve the nation’s problems.”

Sen. Dan Coats (R-Ind.) on CNN this morning called it “a cordial dinner, but it was a serious dinner.”

“We talked about the subjects we should talk about, the debt and deficit and plunged into more and more debt through out of control government spending. I was glad the president took the opportunity to talk to us personally,” Coats said. “…It did not get contentious, but it was serious and we had, I think, a very adult discussion. Instead of being on the campaign trail, the president trying to make his point, we were working together and talking together about the real essence of our problem and how we can get this thing turned from this never-ending short-term fix fiscal cliff stuff into a long-term solution to our fiscal problem. I was pleased that it was that substantive.”

Another glowing report of the blossoming relationship is provided here.

The President’s friends also promised to provide immediate emergency funding for the prompt completion of repairs to the Washington Monument — permitting it to reopen and remain so in advance of any threatened government shutdown later this month — so that it might then be closed again in response.

After inviting President Obama to a brown bag luncheon in the Senate dining room, all rose out of respect for our President and sang Kumbaya.

Republicans sing Kumbaya

As they left the restaurant all solemnly promised to do everything possible to convert any recalcitrant Republicans into statespersons of which we can all, for the very first time, be truly proud. Senators McCain and Graham immediately took special pains to lambaste Senator Paul, truly a “wacko bird,” for his disgraceful filibuster taking place even as they choked down the meal President Obama had graciously provided. Senator McCain expanded upon this comment as follows:

“They were elected, nobody believes that there was a corrupt election, anything else,” McCain said. “But I also think that when, you know, it’s always the wacko birds on right and left that get the media megaphone.”

Asked to clarify, McCain said he was referencing ”Rand Paul, Cruz, Amash, whoever.”

Senator McCain also observed trenchantly,

”If Mr. Paul wants to be taken seriously he needs to do more than pull political stunts that fire up impressionable libertarian kids in their college dorms. He needs to know what he’s talking about,”

For Senator Paul (or any other Republican) to be taken seriously he must push for immediate action on matters of national importance such as increased regulation of the food and beverage industry and of thus far shamefully under-regulated global warming. President Obama needs their total cooperation so that he can receive the glowing praises he deserves but has thus far been denied. Only with such well deserved praise can he continue to show us the way toward a sustainable economic future.

Those and other brave initiatives will expand upon a few already in the works, as gleefully reported in a Daily Pest article titled “Are Republicans the New Democrats?” The list follows this introduction:

[P]ut down your newspaper. Log off the blogs. Step back for a second. Look at what the GOP said it stood for during the 2012 campaign, which concluded four short months ago. Now look at the legislation the same party is proposing—and the positions its members are staking out—today.

The gap is staggering. If it continues to grow, it may come to represent one of the most rapid and drastic party makeovers in recent American political history.

Let’s start with social issues….

The list is too long to repeat or even summarize here, so please do read it. One can only hope that President Obama will soon lead a truly bipartisan coalition of true patriots, ready, willing and able to push our second rate little nation ever onward and down sideways for many more years.

More Breaking News

peace_doveIt has been announced that the Obama Administration is sending a special delegation to the funeral of Venezuelan el Presidente Chávez. Despite the sadness of the occasion, it will be a “working funeral” and the U.S. delegates have already announced their eagerness gratefully to receive all demands of (acting) el Presidente Maduro for increased foreign aid. The U.S. delegation will include such luminaries as former Secretary of State Clinton, Ambassador Rodman and internationally acclaimed thespian Sean Penn. If Dear Leader Kim Jong-un of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea attends, his “friend for life” Ambassador Rodman will be pleased to make introductions and otherwise to assist in their discussions. Then, we can again hope for real progress with all of the conciliatory gestures by the United States needed to move us all forward to peace in our time.

Should el Presidente Chávez return to life during the postmortem ceremonies, changes in everyone’s plans might have to be made.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was one of several world leaders en route to Caracas on Thursday to attend Chavez’s services. “No doubt Chavez will return to Earth together with Jesus and the perfect” Imam Mahdi (the most revered figure of Shiite Muslims), Ahmadinejad said following Chavez’s death.

A team of State Department resurrection experts is now consulting with Miami-based Venezuelan expat physicians and other Latin American experts on how to prevent such an occurrence.

(This article was also posted at Dan Miller’s Blog.)

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