Opinion Forum

Wall St in Free Fall; Stock Brokers Commit Mass Suicide

July 25th, 2011

As calmly encouraged by the Obama Administration and hence widely anticipated, the U.S. stock markets crashed today because the obstructionist Republicans again refused to yield in the face of President Obama’s persuasive and bipartisan efforts to bring peace, justice and prosperity to all of humankind. He is flexible; why can’t they be flexible too? The Republicans know only one dance, the old fashioned two step. Will they never progress?

At the closing bell, the Dow Jones Industrial Average was down almost ninety whole points points (0.70 percent) and the NASDAQ average was down an even more incredible sixteen points (about 0.56 percent). George Will claims that “Those markets opened; the heavens held.” What does he know about heavens! This is horrible! Nothing this bad has ever happened since 1929 or even later. It’s Y2K all over again! Everybody knew it had to happen — the media and top Washington experts told us so.

The hype was out there. Spread by people like Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, Republican John Boehner and President Obama. If an agreement was not reached by the time Asian markets opened Sunday evening, the markets may collapse, even crash. The fear was spread all weekend long by the media, running with these comments from powerful leaders. The markets opened lower, but barely down one-percent at 9:30am ET. The SPDR S&P 500 ETF (NYSE:SPY) opened at $133.30, down from a close on Friday of $134.58.

What shall we do — Jump off a cliff? Out the window? Take a poison pill? Sepuku — that’s multicultural and probably the answer. What can President Obama do — Postpone some fundraisers? That would be too horrible even to contemplate.

In related news,

A 50-year-old South African man thought to be dead woke up in a chilly morgue on Sunday and shouted to be let out, scaring off two attendants who thought he was a ghost, local media reported.

The Irish have a song about that sort of thing.

But then the Irish have songs about almost everything.

(This article was first published at The PJ Tatler.)

Articles written by Dan Miller
Tags: debt limit, negotiations, satire, stock market, suicide
Categories: Economics, News, Politics | Comments (5) | Home

5 Responses to “Wall St in Free Fall; Stock Brokers Commit Mass Suicide”

Brian | July 26th, 2011 at 10:42 am

Dan, if the DJIA takes a plunge (not if, but when), it won’t be because of the debt/deficit impasse, it will be because the $800 bn that was infused into the economy over the last 18 months has stopped.

I have a suspicion that the players will implement a QE3 and use the budget issue as an excuse in the hopes that most people are so ignorant of economic matters that they won’t realize that the Dow is falling because that’s where it’s supposed to be, not because the government has failed to act.

The Dow didn’t trot up to 10K because people in the last 15 years had suddenly discovered the value of investing. It got to where it is because of the unsound and immoral practices of the Federal Reserve.

truthtopower | July 31st, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Well said Brian. May I opine that Mr. Miller’s position is devoid of any semblance to the facts.

Dan Miller | July 31st, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Of course it is “devoid of any semblance to the facts.” As the tag below the post says, it is satire. It deals with the Y2K-like scare that resulted in a market “crash” that didn’t happen. A 0.70% “crash” in the Dow last Tuesday and a 0.56% “crash” in the NASDAQ are common occurrences. A real crash? Will there be one? I don’t know.

Brian | August 1st, 2011 at 6:38 am

Truthtopower, stick around a while. Dan writes lots of tongue-in-cheek that’s hilarious. This is another one of those.

Brian | August 5th, 2011 at 8:48 am

I wonder how many more 500 point drops it’s going to take before it’s realized that we need another round of ~~inflating the supply of money~~ quantitative easing.