Opinion Forum

Grant Proposal – New Renewable Energy Source

April 8th, 2012

To: United States Department of Energy, Washington, D.C.

Re: Development of newly discovered renewable energy source

Synopsis:

As is well known, world supplies of fossil fuel are now at dangerously low levels and will soon be depleted. New sources of renewable energy must be found promptly. This proposal envisions research and development for a pilot project to breed and euthanize sperm whales, to render them at sea, to transport the product to nearby refining vessels and ultimately to consolidate the product for delivery to facilities in the United States. A separate Grant Proposal is being prepared expeditiously and will soon be submitted concerning such facilities to be designed and constructed in the United States.

Phase I:

A pilot project for breeding sperm whales in suitable waters as close as possible to a United States land mass will be undertaken, to ensure replacement of all whales taken. Little if any energy will be devoted to this project beyond that used by wind powered vessels for propulsion. A grant of $1,567,200.13 will be needed for this pilot project.

Phase II:

All vessels involved will be propelled by wind energy and all rending and refining facilities will be powered by solar energy. It is contemplated that carbon footprints will be at most negligible.

Initial research will be devoted to developing wind powered vessels as well as solar powered rending and refining equipment. A grant of $3,487,521.36 will be needed for such initial development because no such vessels or equipment are now in use, have previously been used or are now available for any similar purpose. A drawing of a prototype wind powered vessel is provided to the left.

Phase III:

Implementation of the results of this initial research project will include the construction of suitable vessels powered exclusively by wind energy and the construction of necessary rending and refining equipment powered exclusively by solar panels. A grant of $217,544,239.83 will be needed for this further development. It is contemplated that all necessary solar panels will be acquired from manufacturers under subsidy or loan arrangements with the United States Government or from the surplus stocks of such manufacturers now unfortunately bankrupt.

The Public Interest will be greatly advanced:

It is estimated that the following jobs will be created during the initial phase (Phase I) of the pilot project. It is anticipated that once in operation, only personnel for whale feeding and veterinary care will be required.

Veterinary resource management personnel ————— 8
Sea captains —————————————————– 2
Vessel crew —————————————————— 16
Total ————————————————————– 26

It is estimated that the following jobs will be created during the initial research and development phase (Phase II):

Marine engineers —————- 12
Wind energy specialists ———- 7
Rending and refining experts —-8
Solar energy specialists ———–4
Carpenters ————————19

Total ——————————-50

It is estimated that the following jobs will be created during the implementation phase (Phase III):

Sea captains ————————– 4
Navigators —————————- 8
Other officers ————————- 8
Carpenters —————————–4
Veterinary euthanasia specialists — 4
Coopers ——————————–3
Other crew ————————— 42
Total ———————————- 73

Note: Sea captains, navigators, other officers and crew, solar and wind energy specialists as well as carpenters and others currently unemployed or thought soon to be unemployed due to industry wide lay-offs will be sought for employment during all phases of this proposal.

Economic Summary:

Total jobs saved or created——– 149

Total cost —————————- $222,598,961.32

Average cost per job saved or created: $1,493,952.76

Average cost per each American no longer in workforce (87,897,000) —– $58.84

Possible environmental or other objections:

There have been no environmental objections or public protests of which we are aware concerning any proposed activity or related activity within the Continental United States.

Public Notice:

This notice will be published in the Des Moines, Iowa Bugle weekly for three consecutive weeks.

Further details will be furnished upon request.

Contact information: Captain Ahab, The Pequod, Nantucket Harbor, Massachusetts.

Note in support of Grant Request:

Here in Panamá, my wife and I encountered a delightful young lady several years ago busily investigating the monogamous characteristics of termites under a grant from the U.S. Government. The obvious benefits of that important study are no greater than are those of the present proposal. NOTE TO SELF: Attempt to determine whether any studies have been made or are in progress concerning monogamous characteristics possibly found in sperm whales. If studies have been made, commit to expanding upon them and relying upon them in the breeding phase of the proposal. If no such studies have been made, include a grant proposal for them.

(This article was also posted at Dan Miller’s Blog.)

Articles written by Dan Miller
Tags: employment, funding, grant, green energy, satire, spending, taxes, whales
Categories: Politics | Comments (2) | Home

2 Responses to “Grant Proposal – New Renewable Energy Source”

larry | April 9th, 2012 at 8:14 am

Captain Dan
As always your proposals have merit. Wonder why no ones tried it before. Will my heating system work on whale oil? Propane is up to $3.68 a gallon and still going up. It cost a fortune to fill my 350 gallon tank. Thankfully this has been a mild winter.

In a more serious vane, your recent articles have been exceptional. Where do you find the inspiration and the time to do all the writing required to keep up such a pace?
I work on my blog(oldduggy.com)everyday but can’t deliver much better than 350 words per day. I like to revisit times gone by in my writing efforts. Strictly an ego and amusement exercise on my part. Visit oldduggy.com. Bet I’ll make you smile at the very least.

Dan Miller | April 9th, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Thanks, Larry

I write because I enjoy it more than just anything else I can still do. Most likely, I spend about eight hours each day at it and some articles take longer than that. Most of today has been spent writing an anticipatory article, to be finished (I hope) almost as soon as North Korea launches its “satellite,” expected sometime between April 12th and 16th in honor of Kim Il-sung’s one hundredth birthday. In the process, I discovered this connection that had not previously occurred to me:

April 15, 1912 was not only the day the Titanic sank. In a small village near Pyongyang, a boy with the name Kim Song Ju [his name later became Kim il-Sung] was born.

Seems fitting.

I’ve visited oldduggy.com several times and enjoyed it. The older I get the more I enjoy the old stuff. I wonder why . . . .