New Requirements for Military officers of Flag Rank

November 14th, 2012

By Dan Miller

Because of embarrassments to the Obama Administration caused by the unseemly conduct of General Petraeus and possibly other officers of flag rank, new requirements have been imposed.

ZipperGate II

General David Petraeus

The scandal involving General Petraeus’ resignation due to marital infidelity, now referred to as “ZipperGate II” because President Clinton’s involvement with Monica Lewinsky was ZipperGate I, has shocked the nation and caused potentially grave harm to the Obama Administration. Far worse, it could still endanger President Obama’s personal standing with the public as well as his historically unique legacy. Indeed, it may even prove to be an unwelcome distraction from the administration’s own heroic efforts to focus public attention on its highly competent responses to the insignificant September 11th Benghazi bumps in the road while distracting voters from silly notions that better could have been done. Some might even begin to ask whether Mr. Ben Ghazi is a Christian or a Jew, questions which Big Bird and Governor Romney’s binders full of women helped a grateful nation to avoid.  Without a substantial pre-election media blackout on vile speculations offered by the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, those bumps might nevertheless have been obstacles to President Obama’s reelection. 

Although public attention is now focused on matters of sex, about which nearly everyone is excited, rather than on matters of foreign policy about which very few care, administration problems may expand to the point that media coverage accidentally spills over from sexually oriented fantasies even into the real Benghazi kerfuffle. As Charles Krauthammer recently speculated,

federal government officials may have leveraged former CIA Director David Petraeus’ extramarital affair to influence what he told Congress about the Sept. 11 attack on the U.S. Embassy in Libya.

“I think the really shocking news today was that Gen. Petraeus thought and hoped he could keep his job [after the affair was discovered by federal investigators],” Krauthammer said. “He thought that it might and would be kept secret, and then he could stay in his position. I think what that tells us is really important. It meant that he understood that the FBI obviously knew what was going on. He was hoping that those administration officials would not disclose what had happen[ed] and therefore hoping that he would keep his job. And that meant that he understood that his job, his reputation, his legacy, his whole celebrated life was in the hands of the administration. And he expected they would protect him by keeping it quiet.”

Because General Petraeus has resigned, his hope to remain Director of the CIA has obviously vanished. Now that he has agreed to testify before the Congress, with the Obama Administration possibly no longer able fully to control his testimony, the hope that it may be able to do so may also have vanished.  As observed here,

Now with renewed focus, perhaps we can find out who knew what and when. At least, this should take out Eric Holder, since the claim is that Obama never knew about the investigation of Petraeus. Does anyone really believe that Holder never told him? The clowns continue [to] dance away don’t they? I hope America is happy about the November surprise that should have come in October.

There might be additional problems as well.

“What is troubling about the investigation that resulted in this information coming to light is that the Obama administration once again exercised a major lack of transparency. Instead of following the laws that requires the reporting of this type of information to appropriate Congressional leadership, it was instead leaked first to the press,” says Sen. James M. Inhofe, Oklahoma Republican.

“This is an alarming trend with the Obama administration, as they also failed to notify Congress of critical information regarding the Benghazi attack that killed Ambassador Chris Stevens and three other Americans and failed to notify Congress of the U.S. drone that Iranian forces fired at recently. With the close relationship that President Obama has with Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr. and the regular FBI briefings he receives, does anyone really believe that Obama was unaware of this investigation until recently?” the lawmaker asks.

That is, of course, unlikely to bother most Democrats, who are not concerned about such trivia. As all true Libruls well know, the Obama Administration began as, and remains, the most transparent in history as to all matters of consequence.

President Obama’s unique transparency concerning important matters was shown when he released his own secrets for brewing beer. On September 1st, the White House did so in response to a popular petition. As noted at a White House web blog,

Ed. Note: There’s been a lot of buzz online recently about the recipe for the White House Honey Ale and White House Honey Porter, including a popular petition on We the People, the White House’s online petition platform.

With public excitement about White House beer fermenting such a buzz, we decided we better hop right to it.

Inspired by home brewers from across the country, last year President Obama bought a home brewing kit for the kitchen. After the few first drafts we landed on some great recipes that came from a local brew shop. We received some tips from a couple of home brewers who work in the White House who helped us amend it and make it our own. To be honest, we were surprised that the beer turned out so well since none of us had brewed beer before.

As far as we know the White House Honey Brown Ale is the first alcohol brewed or distilled on the White House grounds.

President Obama’s historic sense of frugality in brewing his own beer is consistent with — and demands — the sequester solution to the nation’s financial problems. Sequester requires drastic reductions in military spending in order to expand welfare and hence to promote more dependence on Government and thereby further to expand the Democrat base. That is clearly in the national interest.

More than spending will be cut

For all of the reasons noted above, all present officers of flag rank (brigadier generals and above in the Army, Marines and Air Force and rear admirals, lower half, and above in the Navy) — as well as all officers proposed for flag rank — ill, in addition to their previous oaths of obedience, be required to take oaths of poverty and chastity. Compliance with the poverty oath will be imposed by reducing their pay, allowances and benefits to those provided to the highest of the first three enlisted grades. This is more than fair because, as Rush Limbaugh recently observed, “too many generals are taking orders from their privates.”

Compliance with the chastity oath will be enforced by requiring all such officers to undergo either chemical or surgical castration. NOTE: based on a rigorous cost-benefit analyses, officers already shown to be completely lacking in testicular fortitude and otherwise immune to similar excesses will not be required to undergo either procedure.

Although application of these requirements to officers now holding — and those anticipating promotion to — flag rank might cause minor discomforts within the military, it is required in the interests of Obama National Security. With a new Secretary of Defense, these sources of discomfort will be smoothed over by resignations, terminations for cause or persuasions of other types. It is hoped that the anticipated nomination of a celebrated war hero, Senator “Swiftboat” Kerry, will ease this transition since his wife is independently wealthy and he has successfully demonstrated a complete lack of testicular fortitude as well as all other undesirable traits.

This video is illustrative of our new, smart but happy, military:

Close order drill for the lower ranks will also be changed immediately.

Future Veterans Day and Memorial Day ceremonies have been cancelled, also effective immediately, because they were reminiscent of old fashioned and now offensive notions of military valor. As reported here, the old National Anthem was modified, and the old Pledge to the Flag was replaced, last September, to make them consistent with the modern spirit of America. These heroic initiatives will certainly be applauded by all and will further enhance President Obama’s already great legacy.

(This article was also posted at Dan Miller’s Blog.)

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