Opinion Forum

The Wretched Conservative Spawn Must Not Return!

October 31st, 2010

Halloween is here and we must again reject our dark past.

In 2008, the United States voted overwhelmingly to leave her wicked ways behind and to embark upon the righteous path toward Europeanisation and away from being “irredeemable barbarians and moral inferiors.” We had our first post-racial, post-partisan president and everything got better. Didn’t it? Of course it did. Only racist fools say otherwise. With President Obama at her helm, America has done only good and never evil. She has adopted multicultural reality rejection enlightenment and striven happily and full of hope toward the light.

Now, sadly, she seems to be reverting inexplicably to her old disgusting ways and heading yet again toward the conservative dark side. It is said that President Obama is a liar, a race card player, a narcissist, a demagogue and worse — that “he has squandered all credibility by his actions to date.” Total lies! We know that he has not lost all credibility; we believe him and unlike some give him the credit he so richly deserves. So what if some DINOs (Democrats in Name Only) don’t admire his great successes? It doesn’t matter; they are envious. They will eventually meet with justice. We need only believe in fairies President Obama, clap our hands, and vote for those trusted public servants who will continue to lead us to fountain of all that’s good, true, and beautiful.

Sure, as Jesse Jackson an expert, a very perceptive hero of working- and middle-class families, correctly told us, conservatives and Republicans (vile politicians all) know only how to lie. Some voters may be stupid enough to give them a few more seats in the Congress this year, but as divine retribution sets in the seas will again rise and temperatures will resume their upward spiral to historic levels accompanied by the most vicious hurricanes, tornadoes, and earthquakes ever. Soon, all of Gaia’s creatures will be gasping for breath. The lying conservatives (please excuse the redundancy) will, of course, claim that there is less unemployment but that will simply be due to millions of dead people — whom they themselves murdered — leaving the unemployment rolls. Shamefully, they may also be deprived of their precious right to vote and even our gallant attorney general may be unable to prevent it due to conservative backstabbing. The future is NOW and we must act to prevent horrible whorish occurrences.

On Halloween, when the dead — including Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid’s favorite living Americans — rise, they absolutely must also vote. Certified witches, such as Christine O’Donnell and Sarah Palin, so easily mocked on Saturday Night Live, are cute but brainless little girls. They are inferior beings and can’t disenfranchise them. Flying off into rages on their brooms won’t work. Lady Gaga Halloween costumes are very popular, so wear one; that should help. Doesn’t matter whether you are a guy, a gal, or something else; just buy and wear one.

Arianna Huffington, Gaia bless her, has been doing her best, financially, morally and in every other way possible to support our noble cause; we must all chip in. New York is showing the way, and with enough support maybe we can prevent even more violent military scum overseas from voting. It’s a good thing that the Department of Justice is dragging its feet courageously because soon it will be too late for their votes to count. Tough; that’s neither new nor bad. Those military swine know nothing and care less about true democracy; if they actually cared they would gladly cease their killing, desert (all 26,172 of them), come home, and vote like everyone else. They get more than enough special privileges already.

Still, it remains at least possible that there will be an uprising this November of the forces of evil — those Republican “small-town enemies of everybody. They just dislike everyone,” as highly respected Gore Vidal recently put it. Even Sorry George Soros is predicting a Republican avalanche. Fortunately, brilliant Vice President Biden knows better.

Be all of that as it may, more conservatives and other vile examples of depravity rise daily from their dark pits. They all have teabags over their eyes and ears and will continue to do their very worst to engage in massive deception and voter fraud coupled with intimidation to gain majorities in both the Haunted House and Senile Senate. With the unlawful help of wicked corporations and other foreign subversives, self-righteously challenged by President Obama, the conservatives may convince enough angry voters that President Obama is somehow “losing it” or is at least to blame for their current financial difficulties despite the obvious fact that there are already palpable improvements and everything else is totally due to the mendacity and obstructionism of conservatives, corporate special interests, and former President Bush. The answer is quite simple: people do irrational things when they are angry and should not be allowed to vote or even to contribute money to conservative candidates. They should do as dear Nanny demands: sit down, shut up and eat their healthful tofu.

Horrible though a conservative victory would be, we shall nevertheless persevere and overcome because we must — for the children. The Honorable Barney Frank, the Honorable Charles Rangel and others will cheerfully but in their always ethical, brilliant, statesperson-like and post-racial bipartisan ways lead by example toward the holy grail of infinite progress and compassion; soon, we will again have the best Congress money can buy. America is an OK if not yet a great country, and deserves the best. Fairness will be born again and soon the Party of No will become the Party of No Significance.

Should it come to pass that President Obama is so weary and discouraged by his Herculean and unceasing efforts on our behalf that he declines to run for another term as president, other truly great leaders will be needed. In view of the outstanding records of Senator Reid and Speaker Pelosi they are the very best. They must run in 2012 and become our president and vice president, or perhaps our co-presidents, in 2013. Support freedom and Daily Kos by dropping massive googlebombs to keep conservative lies obscure. Let the blood and guts flow! Hand-to-hand combat! Encourage the major media in their heroic efforts righteously to keep all lies away from immature minds.

Continue reading this article at Pajamas Media »

Articles written by Dan Miller
Tags: conservative, election, Halloween, liberal, Obama, satire, voting, witches
Categories: Humor, Politics | Comments (4) | Home

4 Responses to “The Wretched Conservative Spawn Must Not Return!”

Brianna | October 31st, 2010 at 3:17 pm

Cute Dan. Thanks for the link 🙂

Tom Carter | November 1st, 2010 at 2:29 am

Funny but sad. Between irresponsible, incompetent, and sometimes corrupt politicians and an equally irresponsible and biased media, things seem to be coming progressively unglued.

The situation with President Obama is particularly disappointing. He has proved to be the most ineffective political leader we’ve had in a long time, in terms of failing to lead the country as the president of everyone and even in leading his own party in Congress.

There will be a housecleaning in the election tomorrow (Nov 2), and it should be continued in 2012 and every election thereafter if necessary. Maybe they’ll eventually get the point.

Dan Miller | November 1st, 2010 at 7:47 am

Tom, you say

Between irresponsible, incompetent, and sometimes corrupt politicians and an equally irresponsible and biased media, things seem to be coming progressively unglued.

I agree. However, there is enough blame to go around for We the Peons to take some; perhaps we deserve quite a lot of it. We elect the pols and we support the biased media (ain’t many out there which don’t qualify for the adjective). For the most part, pols are out to get elected and then reelected and the media are out to sell us to advertisers. This year, some “safe” pols will not be reelected and many of the major media outlets are tanking financially. And that, Sir, is up to We the Peons, who elect and reelect pols and support the “biased” media by offering ourselves to them for sale.

Oh. I liked the “progressively unglued” phrase. I would interpret that to refer to the “progressive” movement, even if you did not intend it in that way.

Tom Carter | November 1st, 2010 at 9:11 am

You’ve got that right! As Joseph-Marie de Maistre said in 1811:

“Toute nation a le gouvernement qu’elle mérite.” (Every country has the government it deserves.)

[Not that I speak French, of course; I’ve avoided spending time on dead languages.]

(By the way, Maistre was an archconservative monarchist who believed that the Christian religion should play a strong role in affairs of state, so he should sit well with modern conservatives.)

Anyway, the fault for having a government we don’t like rests with no one but us. There’s an obvious problem that we don’t all want the same kind of government, but the quasi-revolution that’s going on is at least swinging the pendulum back toward the state of things that made us great and powerful. I’m not optimistic that the Republicans will do much with what we’re giving them, but if that’s the case, we can throw them out, too.

I originally had “(pun intended)” after that statement, but I took it out, figuring I was gilding the lily.