I Want To Join A Union

February 21st, 2011

By Nancy Morgan

Until I saw the thousands of loyal union members expressing solidarity by their courageous protests in Wisconsin, I had no idea of the great perks union membership entailed. Now that I do, I want in.

And not just any union — I want to join either a teacher’s union or the government workers union. Imagine — if I belonged to either of those unions I would never be able to be fired. Not only that, no-one could complain about my work, or lack of work. And even if they did, the grievance process is so long that it wouldn’t impact me for several years. My union brothers would stand beside me, no matter what. Even if they found out about that old felony conviction. (That conviction was totally unfair!)

In Arkansas, they’re even paying a teacher to do nothing after they found out she had been convicted of prostitution. It’s called “paid leave.” How cool is that?

If I belonged to either of those unions, I would only have to pay for a fraction of my own health care, and I would even be exempt from Obamacare. Cradle to grave security. Where do I sign up? (Did I mention free Viagra?)

If I belonged to those unions, my pay would be around 40% higher than those saps who work in the private sector. And if someone threatened to lower it, I’d have the President of the United States speak out on my behalf. Totally awesome!

If I belonged to those unions, I would have more power than my stupid boss. I’d be able to take him to task for oppressing the workers (me!) and everyone would automatically believe me and take my side. After all, everyone knows capitalism is evil and bosses profit off my misery. I’d be a victim, not an exploiter. My mom would finally be proud of me.

If I belonged to those unions, I’d be able to take the moral high ground. (Finally!) If you don’t believe me, then you must be one of those idiots who watches Fox News. In case you haven’t heard, Fox News lies. (I saw that on TV so I know its true.)

I want to join one of those unions because then I’d be part of the community of man, a “worker of the world.” I’d instantly be accepted as a valiant warrior fighting for the underdog. I’d have lots of new friends. Sure, I might have to actually work, but that’s OK by me. As long as my rights are respected.

In return for all this, all I have to do is toe the union line. Hey, I don’t have any problem being bussed to other states to picket when required. And the dues they take out of my paycheck will be used to buy politicians who are guaranteed to support the union cause. Small price to pay….

I won’t even mind spending work time on political campaigns in order to elect officials that back unions. Going door-to-door might even help me lose the weight I gained right before my unemployment benefits ran out.

I want to be part of something important. I’ve been lonely too long. I yearn to fight for a righteous cause, like I did in the 60s. I want in. And just to let you know how serious I am, I’ll even promise to vote for Obama, even though I think he’s a joke.

Where can I sign up and when do the health perks kick in? I feel a cold coming on. (Just so you know, I don’t need the Viagra.)

(This article was also posted at Right Bias.)

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3 Responses to “I Want To Join A Union”

  1. Clarissa |

    It’s one thing not to know how unions work and what they are about. It’s another thing altogether to be so proud of your lack of knowledge and make such a show out of it.

  2. Tom Carter |

    Nancy, I tend to agree with you that what Wisconsin wants to do in regard to unions isn’t that bad, in the big picture, and that the unions are overreacting. However, I’m not sure I see the point of some of it, such as requiring annual votes to retain unions, completely eliminating collective bargaining, etc. Sounds a bit like a conservative reckoning with unions wrapped inside a legitimate need to reduce state spending and balance their budget.

    I question some of what you say. For example, Wisconsin public employees’ compensation (that includes pay and benefits) is not actually higher than private sector compensation when apples are compared to apples. The most important factor to control for is education. A higher percentage of public employees have bachelors, masters, and professional degrees than do private sector workers. When compared in those categories, public employees in Wisconsin generally make less in total compensation. (You can find any number of sources to substantiate this.)

    Clarissa, unions are one of those issues that liberals and conservatives are poles apart on. Liberals will say that those who oppose unions don’t know what they’re talking about and don’t care about working people; conservatives will say that those who support unions don’t know what they’re talking about and don’t understand markets and the economy. The truth is, as usual, the subject is much more complicated than that.

  3. larry ennis |

    Most people view labor unions and their members the same way that Nancy does. Unions have done some great things for American workers. These same unions are enablers for some of the laziest most corrupt thugs in the labor force.

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