Opinion Forum

Advance Text of President Obama’s Best Speech Ever

July 13th, 2011

This is an advance text of the speech President Obama is scheduled to deliver to the nation following the partisan rejection of his final compromise to end the debt standoff and to ensure enduring national prosperity. Provided by a highly placed source at the White House who for obvious reasons insists on remaining anonymous, it clearly demonstrates that although President Obama is truly humble and deserves our adoration he is also a master strategist and is fully prepared to deal decisively with all contingencies.

Good evening, ladies, gentlemen and all others [applause]. I requested this brief opportunity to speak to you, my fellow patriotic Americans, from my heart and to tell you about the steps I have taken and will take in the coming days to make our nation an even better place for us all. Believe me, I will voice no partisan complaints about the selfish Republicans who today on a party line vote rejected my final compromise proposal to end the debt limit crisis of their own making. They delight in partisan theater and I — a pragmatic centrist — despise it. Sadly, Republicans can’t help themselves. That’s what they always do. Still, we — and even they — must look forward, not backward; we must move on from here and if not now, when? The unique opportunities I presented have been rejected. So be it. No further offers of compromise will come from the White House while I remain your President. If there is to be a compromise it is up to the Republicans to offer it; sadly, I cannot guarantee that they will do so.

Only yesterday, I was chatting with ordinary citizens such as yourselves about the hardships and frustrations we all now face. Lucy Wangle, a hardworking single mother in Woeisme, New York, has six loving children. She suffers from a chronic medical condition and had not been able to obtain health insurance because she had been ill since she was young girl. Now that it’s available because of my affordable health care measures, she can’t afford it. She has been unemployed since before I became your President and finds it very hard to buy healthy food for her lovely children and to provide shoes and even clothing for them. She can’t even look for work now because she can’t afford childcare. Her unemployment compensation has run out and she has only skimpy food stamps and welfare entitlements to rely on. Even so, as we spoke she pressed her last twenty dollars into my hands to help me get reelected to carry on my work — our work. I am not ashamed to tell you that tears came to my eyes and that I could barely summon the words to express my gratitude as I gently hugged her while she shivered from the cold because she has no warm clothing. [Cut to take three of Wangle video.]

Let me be perfectly clear: I know full well of the frustrations my hardworking people face at the gas pumps. I see them on television and also as my motorcades pass. Money is tight for all now who are not rich and too many can’t find jobs. I have even found it difficult to raise enough funding for my reelection campaign [cut to billboard showing where to send campaign contributions] so that I can continue for a while longer — as Lucy and other patriots who love our country insist that I must — to devote all of my energy to making our great nation greener, greater and fairer than ever before instead of merely campaigning for reelection. Only after I put our beautiful country, of which I and Mrs. Obama are very proud, on the path to true greatness from sea to shining sea with amber waves of grain in between — which I often fly over in Air Force One — shall I cease to bear the burdens of the highest office in our land. [Pause to sigh deeply] Sometimes, I wonder whether even I am up to the task before me. But when my advisers and ordinary people such as yourselves remind me that I alone can do it I am refreshed and ready to continue. I work tirelessly — my graying hair demonstrates my commitment to you, my people. Even should it all go white and fall out for your sake I shall not turn from my path. That is my sworn duty and my promise to you.

Although I have done much, more remains to be done and I will do it for you! Believe me, when I have completed the historic tasks before me — tasks that others have been unable to accomplish — when the storm clouds have passed and our cities and towns shimmer in the bright light of a new day, when people no longer cling pitifully to their bibles, guns and constitutions, when there is equality for all and when we, working together, have ended wars, climate change, crime, injustice, obesity and hate — I shall once again become merely an ordinary citizen, caring for my beautiful wife and loving children and grandchildren as all of you care for your own devoted families. Then, I shall work tirelessly in my Presidential Library to write and speak of all that I was able to do for you, My People.

My administration and I have been untiring in our historic efforts to put hardworking Americans to work. We have been highly successful despite the mess left to me by my predecessor and a still obstructionist Republican House of Representatives. There are some who mistakenly fault my efforts because unemployment remains a problem, because our budget deficit remains high and because the Republicans have selfishly rejected all of the bipartisan compromises I have offered. I must tell you that although these unjustified complaints have caused me great pain I can bear it because I know that the dark clouds will eventually begin to disappear. Some may briefly remain but I shall not rest until all vanish. We must remember that clouds have silver linings [cut to video of sun shining brightly through storm clouds over Planned Parenthood clinic]. We must not throw the baby out with the bathwater. Although we will tighten our belts, recognize that the world does not owe us a living and refuse to live beyond our means, all of our problems are also opportunities and must not be wasted. I and my Administration have advanced, and in the next few days will advance more, concrete and specific proposals to put our great country back on her path to greatness. Here are just a few that even ordinary people such as yourselves will understand, thanks to the tremendous educational opportunities provided by my Department of Education and our unions of dedicated teachers. Each and every one of my proposals is necessary and proper to promote the general welfare.

First, the Congress must appropriate funds for more green infrastructure improvements — our roads, our electrical facilities, our hospitals, our homes for the aged and our schools to name just a few. We have to do that so that our vigorous free economy can continue to grow and provide employment for all who want it. The rich must pay their fair share as they have never done in the past. Just as we have suffered from their oppression, so must they now suffer and atone for it. Some protest that investment will dry up. It will not, because your Government will invest — smarter, better and more than the self-indulgent fat cats ever did. Through prudent regulations, we will make sure that our investments work for the good of all and not just the privileged few. We must join together and push the reset button. If not now, when? We must invest massively, now, in green power and I shall direct the Congress to enact legislation requiring all in the United States with annual gross incomes over seventy-five thousand dollars to equip their homes with federally approved and subsidized solar panels and wind facilities to generate electricity. That should have been done by the previous, Republican, administration but was not. If not now, when? Not only will this eliminate any remaining excuses for coal-burning power plants to foul the air we all — rich and poor, Black, Brown, Yellow and white — breathe, the federally supervised manufacture of solar and wind powered facilities and the associated components of home electrical equipment will create or save countless millions of jobs for hardworking Americans. If not now, when? These essential efforts will help us to Win the Future for our children and for generations to come even after I am gone [background sound of funeral dirge as President Obama bows his head as if in prayer].

Second, my successful outreach to the Muslim community, Russia, China and Africa has greatly reduced if not eliminated the need for military spending. My intervention in Libya has been a success, Osama bin Laden is dead and we are now able to withdraw our troops from Afghanistan, Iraq and Korea. Peace is within our reach and so Congress must make drastic cuts in wasteful military spending. If Congress does not, I will refuse to spend funds for unnecessary wars and will divert them to other uses for which the Congress fails to provide the necessary funding — and also to remain current on payments toward our national debt which the Republicans in Congress demand that I not do. They want a default but while I am in the White House I shall never give it to them! Never! I shall remain steadfast to the last!

Third, we need more highly trained workers for the future. That is the purpose of the Dream Act and I shall demand that the Congress pass it immediately. If it refuses to do so, I shall direct all federal agencies to deem it to have passed and to act accordingly; this process has already begun.

Fourth, a healthy America is a prosperous America. The affordable health care legislation I proposed, which the patriotic Democrats in Congress passed unanimously and which I immediately signed into law, has already created or saved many hundreds of thousands of jobs even though it has not yet been fully implemented. More, much more, still remains to be done. Healthy eating is vitally important for all Americans; those who fail to eat healthy foods while consuming those that are bad for them burden our economy and increase our national debt. Sick and disabled, they cannot work and pay taxes; we all suffer. The Republicans even refuse to eat their peas [pause for laughter].

Revenue enhancement measures are needed so that those who eat unhealthy food will have to pay dearly for it. Accordingly, I shall demand that the Congress impose high excise taxes on all foods determined by my Secretary of Agriculture and other expert officials to be unhealthy and also that it provide subsidies for all who eat healthy food. Our most defenseless, our innocent children, must be protected and so I shall demand that the Congress enact legislation requiring that all meals for children, from birth through college and even beyond, be prepared and served by highly trained dietary technicians employed and supervised by the Department of Agriculture. This will create or save many, many hundreds of thousands of jobs while removing unbearable burdens from the backs of hardworking American families. Should the Congress refuse to act, I shall direct my agencies and departments to do so.

These are just a few of the changes I believe in, and that you, My People, believe in as well. My Attorney General has advised me that all of these necessary steps are lawful and I, a trained constitutional scholar and professor of constitutional law before I became your President, agree. I ask you to support these necessary changes with your minds, your souls and your funds — and to demand that your elected representatives support them with their votes [Cut to billboard showing ObamaWhiteHouse website]. In no other way can we leave the impossible and muddy path to debt, unemployment, obesity, injustice and dependence on foreign oil behind and begin to travel the straight, wide and easy road to a prosperous, fair, healthy and just society.

Thank you and good night, my fellow patriotic Americans. May you sleep well knowing that I am in charge and shall remain so for as long as necessary.

(This article was also posted at Dan Miller’s Blog.)

Articles written by Dan Miller
Tags: campaign, debt limit, distortion, economy, satire, speech, unemployment
Categories: Economics, Humor, Politics | Comments (4) | Home

4 Responses to “Advance Text of President Obama’s Best Speech Ever”

Tom Carter | July 14th, 2011 at 1:13 pm

What’s really depressing is that a whole lot of this speech sounds pretty real! Well, maybe the Tennessee Ernie Ford song playing in the background is unlikely, but the rest of it…?

Dan Miller | July 14th, 2011 at 1:56 pm

There is probably little truth to any rumor that President Obama will deliver the speech on August 3rd during the party held in celebration of his fiftieth birthday. There,

WASHINGTON–President Obama returns to Chicago on Aug. 3 to mark his 50th birthday with fund-raisers at the Aragon Ballroom, with tickets ranging from $50 a person to $35,800 per couple, which includes VIP seating at a “Birthday Concert” where celebs will be performing and a dinner with the president.

The fundraiser at the Aragon, the historic ballroom in Uptown, will be one of the biggest third quarter events, expected to draw in national supporters. Obama’s 50th birthday is Aug. 4.

On the other hand, who knows?

Dan Miller | July 14th, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Buzzsawmonkey just posted some new words to Goober Peas at Pajamas Tatler. The revised song begins,

Sittin’ in my golf cart on a summer’s day
From the Oval Office I like to stay away
And on the taxpayers’ dollars I like to take my ease
While I admonish them, “It’s time to eat your peas.”

Peas, peas, peas, peas, time to eat your peas
Just tear off the Band-Aid, it’s time to eat your peas…

I rather enjoyed it.

Tom Carter | July 14th, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Geez, if I had $35,800 to spend on sitting near President Obama, I think I’d spend it on something else. The amount of money spent on presidential campaigns is becoming more obscene every election cycle. And they’ll probably still serve rubber chicken and cold peas….

How about limiting the president to one term of, say, seven years? That might solve some of these problems. In particular, he wouldn’t spend the first term running for reelection. He could begin by doing all the things he really wants to do … well, maybe that’s not a good idea after all.