Old Pledge of Allegiance and National Anthem Banned, New Adopted

September 21st, 2012

By Dan Miller

This breaking news is brought to you by CONS (Combined Obama News Services).

By Executive Order, President Obama today adopted a New Pledge of Allegiance for the Nation and made recitation of the old version unlawful. He also adopted a new and better National Anthem for us.

The New Pledge of Allegiance.

After much thought, President Obama made another gutsy call to advance his vision of a New Reality for America. His idea perhaps grew from a small seed planted in his fertile mind by an e-mail his beautiful First Lady sent, appropriately dated September 11, 2012,  entitled “Pledge to Vote.” There, she made a simple request on behalf of our beloved nation.

Please take a moment to commit to vote this fall, and get at least one other person to do the same.

In a matter of days, voting will have already started in some states, and I just want to know that you plan to do your part to make sure Barack gets four more years to move this country forward.

The idea quickly took root, grew and bore beautiful fruit. Beltway Confidential provides further details here.

The Obama campaign has launched its “For All” campaign, encouraging supporters to take pictures of themselves with their hands on their hearts and a note explaining why they support President Obama.

Actress Jessica Alba uses the Pledge of Allegiance as an example of the campaign in an email to supporters.

“Growing up, my classmates and I started every day with a ritual: We’d stand up, put our right hand over our hearts, and say the Pledge of Allegiance,” explains Alba. “To me, that gesture was a promise. A promise to be involved and engaged in this country’s future. A promise to work for liberty and justice — and for affordable education, health care, and equality — for all.” …

“That’s why all across the country, people like you and I are proudly writing down our reasons for getting involved, and then taking the pledge — to vote.”

Obama campaign staffers have also begun posting photos of themselves with the pledge.

Jessica Alba

President Obama, always intensely focused on our most crucial national crises, immediately recognized the need for a New Pledge of Allegiance that would do great credit to the Nation and to his campaign for us all.

New Pledge of Allegiance

I pledge obedience to the Flag
of the United Serfs of America,
and to the President for which whom it stands:

one Nation under Obama, Empathetic,
With Fairness and Security for all.

The ACLU and all other patriotic American organizations have lauded the New Pledge and particularly the substitution of President Obama for the disgracefully unconstitutional mythical entity previously mentioned. We must all pledge allegiance to our flag and hence to President Obama for whom it stands; failure to do so would be racist and can no longer be tolerated by patriotic Americans. Failure is now deemed a hate offense, for which appropriate penalties will be imposed under the Federal tax laws in accordance with the Supreme Court’s June decision on the constitutionality of ObamaCare’s individual health insurance purchase mandate.

The Executive Order recalled all copies of the old pledge for immediate destruction by HAZMAT teams as toxic contraband.  Possession of a copy of the old pledge after a generous five day grace period will be penalized as noted above. The Government Printing Office is now printing copies of the New Pledge on a top priority basis for distribution to all schools, mosques and other institutions and organizations where the old pledge had previously been recited.

May we continue to prosper with our Beloved Wise Leader reigning over us for ever and ever!

The New National Anthem

By the same Executive Order, President Obama declared that the old national anthem has been replaced by the New National Anthem, Beyoncé’s own Run the World (Girls), which is far more pleasing to the ear, easier to sing and better reflects the glorious aspirations of our nation.

As background on why and how President Obama made this heroic decision, Beyoncé had sent me (and possibly a few other beloved friends) this warm and inviting e-mail on September 13th:

Friend –

I usually don’t email you — but I have an amazing invitation I have to share.

Jay and I will be meeting up with President Obama for an evening in NYC sometime soon. And we want you to be there!

Until midnight tonight, if you pitch in $5 or whatever you can, you’ll be automatically entered to be flown out to join us.

I’ve had the honor of meeting President Obama and the First Lady a few times — and believe me — it’s an opportunity you don’t want to miss.

Don’t worry about the airfare and hotel, it’s taken care of. And you can bring a guest.

But the countdown is on — this opportunity ends at midnight:


Can’t wait to meet you!



The suggestion for President Obama’s decisive action almost certainly came from Beyoncé herself at that intimate dinner party. He was shocked when told of the difficulties even a very talented and well trained vocalist such as Beyoncé has in singing the old national anthem as well as the dissonance between the old anthem’s obscene allusions to violence and our tranquil modern life in his United States. He immediately directed the band to play the old national anthem so that Beyoncé could sing it for him (he could not recall ever having paid attention when it had previously been sung). Upon listening attentively he was horrified and so immediately decided that the New National Anthem Beyoncé had suggested must be adopted. Today, he directed that the old national anthem no longer be performed at public or private gatherings, effectively immediately.

Our beautiful New National Anthem sends tingles up all of our legs. These are great advances for our beloved nation and, with President Obama’s reelection assured, we can hope for many more initiatives, as necessary as they are dramatic, in the near future.  Here, for example, is a video of a new close order military drill to be introduced promptly after November 7th to enhance the combat effectiveness and morale of our troops, for all of whom President Obama has a very special place in his warm and enormous heart. The costs of introducing the new drill will be recouped by a ten percent reduction in military pay and allowances.

(This article was also posted at Dan Miller’s Blog.)

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