Opinion Forum

Do I Get A Pulitzer Too?

April 13th, 2010

The Pulitzer Prize results are out, and the editorial cartoon winner this year happened to be one Mark Fiore of San Francisco, whose “wit, extensive research and ability to distill complex issues set a high standard for an emerging form of commentary.” Among Mark’s other pieces at SFGate.com appeared a piece called “Learn to Speak Tea Bag,” a piece of political satire which supposedly fits the description of Fiore’s work given by the esteemed Pulitzer organization. So in celebration of Mark’s achievement, I decided to create my own piece of congratulatory satire, which I have humbly titled: “Learn to Think Liberal.”

Learn to Think Liberal

Introduction: Learning a new way of thinking doesn’t have to be hard. You can learn to articulate your new forms of “logic” and “critical thinking skills” in just a few short minutes. Oh wait, did I actually put those two terms in sarcastic quotes? My bad.

Lesson 1: Don’t get distracted by the confusing methods of other thought processes. For example, when a racist, hate-mongering teabagger (and they’re ALL racist hatemongers) points out that the reason a public option wouldn’t foster competition is because not only do government programs not have to be competitive with private ones in order to stay in business, but can actually kill already existing competition by getting government to pass laws that would make it illegal for private companies to compete (as the post office does), don’t fight with them on their own terms of reason, logic, truth, facts and evidence. Just accuse them of having an irrational fear of government and hating the poor. Since conservatives actually do care about the plights of the less fortunate and generally try to stay within the realm of logical debate, these accusations will usually shut them right up.

Lesson 2: If accusing your conservative opponent of stupidity and foolishness hasn’t dissuaded them from their evil, selfish viewpoints, then move on to other, stronger argumentative tactics, such as accusing them of racism and homophobia. This works especially well because conservatives work very hard to be color blind, so calling them racist can usually get them to abandon the argument altogether as they futilely chase their tails for months in a desperate search for where exactly their ridiculous arguments for smaller government have discriminated against any color or creed.

Lesson 3: Remember that if a conservative accepts a campaign contribution or a donation from anyone, there is absolutely no possibility that it could be an honest, above-board transaction between two thinking individuals who agree with each other, because the conservative viewpoint is de facto evil and wrong. Liberals on the other hand, have beautiful ideals, so when they receive contributions (1, 2) from insurance industries and pharmaceutical companies for their campaigns and funds, it’s only because those evil, greedy businessmen have finally seen the liberal light and seek to atone for their grubby, conservative money-making ways by funding the people who are out to destroy them.

Lesson 4: Should the practical implementation of your ideals happen to fail, that’s okay: just shift blame elsewhere! Rocketing insurance premiums in Massachusetts? Health insurance companies are just too greedy and health care shouldn’t operate on the profit motive anyway. Missing millionaires in Maryland? Those evil rich people just weren’t willing to pay their fair share! Trillion dollar deficits for the foreseeable future? Well if Bush hadn’t screwed things up so badly, we wouldn’t be here today.

Okay, now that you have been fully indoctrinated… umm… I mean “introduced” into the liberal mindset, let’s take a look at how an expert in liberal thought methods would use these techniques in order to explain to conservatives why what they think is evil and wrong.

Oh wait, that was a conservative making fun of liberals. Well, never mind then.

Liberal. Because other ideological viewpoints are just too logical.

P.S Watch that last link. It really is hilarious.

Articles written by Brianna Aubin
Tags: conservative, Fiore, liberal, Pulitzer Prize, satire, Tea Party, teabagger
Categories: Humor, News, Politics | Comments (7) | Home

7 Responses to “Do I Get A Pulitzer Too?”

larry | April 14th, 2010 at 5:26 am

Brianna
VERY GOOD

Chris Muir | April 14th, 2010 at 7:17 am

Brianna, I think you’ve nailed it! 🙂

And thanks for the link!

Chris

G | April 15th, 2010 at 2:36 pm

Brilliant.

Brianna | April 15th, 2010 at 4:33 pm

Chris – Thank YOU! Your comic is quite amusing, especially your red-headed engineer Sam (I am a redhead).

http://www.daybydaycartoon.com/

Chris Muir | April 15th, 2010 at 5:13 pm

What can I say? Redheads Rule,this is known.

😉

jsm | April 20th, 2010 at 12:55 am

Good stuff – and lots of good links. thanks!

Tom | April 20th, 2010 at 5:10 am

I agree — the last link is really good!

Chris, I also love your cartoons. I’ve seen them for quite a while, including at No Oil for Pacifists.